Hi Kids! I'm Gordon Ramsay, and I KICK ASS. You may have seen me on the one good reality TV show in the history and future of all reality TV shows: "Hell's Kitchen" on the Fox network, and you may wonder how I became so thoroughly awesome. Allow me to explain to you the source of my amazing badassitude through this bulleted list.* As a child, I practiced kicking ass on the football (that's soccer for you yanks) pitch (that's field, for you yanks once again) until I was 15, when the all-pro Scottish football team signed me on for ninja position number 1 (that's left wing, for you uncultured american scum). I played with the all-pro team for 3 years until I single-handedly placed all opposing team members (of all possible teams) in their graves. I was given the medal for "WINNER OF FOOTBALL" and the whole sport has been cancelled for all of eternity.
* I decided--after swiming around the world; twice--to open my own restaurant and challenge all other chefs in all the lands to try and best me in one-on-one cookoffs. I figured it would be somewhat challenging for a man of my caliber, especially since I had never even turned on an oven in my life, to face these seasoned culinary artists in honorable duels to the death. Unfortunately, it wasn't even close. Each battle ended with my rival clutching at the butcher knife in his chest or drowning in the sink or collapsing from severe brain trauma after one of my accidental random kicks to the face that I occasionally, unconsciously lash out with. They sometimes managed to gasp out pitiful things like "We haven't even started cooking" or "what is this knife doing in my chest" before giving up the ghost and ending our duel.
* After killing all the chefs of the world and winning the title "WORLDS GREATEST CHEF," I decided to take my special brand of awesome on the road to America or as I like to call it "Little big Britannia." I walked right into central offices of the Fox broadcasting company, slayed their guards, and told Rupert Murdoch "I'm British. I want my own reality show, right now!" Not only did Murdoch give me my own show, he also spontaneosly combusted after looking too closely at my godly face; leaving me in control of all the assests of his vast media empire (you see kids, when someone burns to death just by looking at you, YOU get to keep all of that person's stuff. Cool, no?).
Now that you know my story, kids, you must realize that there is no standing against me. Soon my storm troopers will come through your neighborhoods and cities, collecting valuables and recruits for my Legions of Ramsay. It is only a matter of time before the earth comes under Goron Ramsay's iron rule. Then where, you ask? Who knows children...who knows...
Point made: Rainny sucks
