You may remember my previous review of Star Wars episode II. Here's a snippet if you do not: I had already gouged out one eye with my own thumb, and was attempting to swallow my own tongue (which, by the way, is reeeeaaaally difficult) then she dashes off the camera's FOV and we hear more flatulating, followed by a burp, and she sheepishly reenters the scene. "Oh anakin" she says in the most wooden voice possible "I love...you" that pause wasnt dramatic folks, she forgot her line, "I want to be...with you" again, shes forgeting more lines, "remember that time at the Q-mart, where i wanted a twinkie, but you're all like "no way, bitch, i like you skinny and tight" then you slapped me, and i liked it because i like it like that..." at this point she's just bs'ing to waste time, and what a waste it was.
After watching the third installment in this godawful series, I've come to the conclusion that Star Wars was created for my personal amusement.
Really! No shit! I'm not kidding.
Something this piss-poor can only be spawned from the minds of a roomfull of classically-trained playwrights forced by Satan to pen the worst drivel written since T.S. Eliot's seminal poem "the collosal waste of time" (Which might have paved the way for all the self-referential, circle-jerking crap in this whole new star wars trilogy. "Oh look! There's the Millenium Falcon for like 2 fucking seconds in the lower right quadrant of the screen! Oh look! there's some other vague reference to the other movies or other slightly less shitty movies made by the director! It's freaking awesome because it makes me feel like a super-genius machine for recognizing all that crap almost INSTANTLY and then pointing it out to my buddy who also saw it and pissing of the loser behind us with our near constant fan-boy chatter which distracts him from his suffering long enough to see that people are actually enjoying this which only further exacerbates his pain!").
Which brings us back to my original point: Star wars was created for me to laugh at and point my finger at its glaring stupidity. Two scenes that stole my heart and stomped on it repeatedly were
- "Anakin, hold me like you did in Naboo"--Portman says this to Hayden in complete seriousness with this constipated look on her face that is supposed to, I assume, resemble that foreign emotion known as love. I, of course, began giggling maniacally, causing the fellow behind me to laugh uncontrollably for about 5 minutes. We finally calmed down for 10 minutes or so when I heard him mutter "naaaboo" and the laughter started again. People hated us. We loved us.
- "She has lost the will to live, her will is fading, we cannot save her... bzzzzt"---A freaking anthropomorphic doctor robot who is in touch with the emotional states of his patients has medically determined that Portman's will is dangerously low and if she fails her saving throw, she will die. Please asshole, come up with a better excuse than she died because, in the immortal words of my sister, "she was all sad and stuff." This movie took sapped away basically all joy and vitality from me while I sat in that stinky-ass theatre in New Mexico for 2 of the most boring hours of my life and I did not die---though I now wish I had.
I must admit; watching Anakin's limbs fly off one by one and then watching the flesh burn off his body almost made it worth the entry and the hours of torture beforehand. Almost.
said...
HAHA. so true. and what about the younglings....ugh. i definitely felt my life draining away from me every second i sat in that theatre.
hey, i used to have a blogger. i don't remember the username. maybe i'll resurrect it or maybe i'll make a new one. resurrection might be funny because i'm sure i posted a lot of depressing shit.
hk_newbie said...
Yes, leave the filthy cesspool of live journal and enter a new, brighter world with blogger. Bring your people with you and I promise a land of milk and honey and cereal.
The 4 man revolution wholly endorses blogger for all wannabe world revolutionaries and megalomaniacs.
said...
where there will be nothing but pain, pestilence, great wailing and knashing of teeth.
said...
I was the dude laughing from behind... it was a silly movie but laughing at it made it much better then it could have been...
(whispering)
Naboo.... Naboo....