So, as everyone knows, my love life is long and sordid...and shirtless, seemingly...with burning skies and middle-aged blonde chicks. I thought I might share one such story with you--a completely true and non-false story with nothing but what really happened (as I remember it).
I exited my double-secret job with the CIA (in an undisclosed location miles below the earth's crust) using an experimental teleportation device to translocate myself a hundred feet above my brand new Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle. "Amazing wings, OPEN NOW!" I shouted, pulling the emergency cord located in my belly button. A wing-like fold of skin formed between my arms thanks to my cybernetic body, permitting me to land softly on the perfectly moulded bike seat.
"Now for dinner!" I announced to no one in particular as I keyed the ignition, popped a wheelie, and held that wheelie the whole 40 miles to the one decent cheapo-chinese restaurant in the city.
On the way, I encountered the usual ambush by rival ninja clans, infinite zombie hordes, and mind-numbing traffic; all of which slowed me down for .4 seconds total. I dismounted the bike-- a little worse for wear given all the zombie blood but still quite badass-- and entered the restaurant.
Time slowed down as I walked through the front doors. My spooky-looking, semi-tattered cape whipped in the wind impressively, the ceiling lights glinted menacingly off my aviator sunglasses, and my hair was fucking perfect. "I'm here for...food" I said to the lone Chinese man standing behind the counter. I thought he looked familiar as I awaited his response, but his face was mostly covered by the slightly lowered brim of his 20 gallon cowboy hat.
"Food, eh?" He replied, lifting his hat to show me the face of one of my oldest and most dangerous arch-enemies: General Tso.
"NOW YOU DIE!" He shouted, throwing a smoke bomb on the counter to facilitate his escape out the back door.
Without warning, fifty..no...a hundred ninjas appeared from trap doors in the floors and walls, all armed with Mac10 machine pistols and ninja-to swords which they proceeded to wave threateningly as they formed a circle around me.
"General Tso, my old enemy" I muttered under my breath, wondering how many seconds it would take me to dispatch of Tso's underlings, "you shall NOT escape my vengeful wrath!"
Reaching into my coat pocket, I removed a fully-functional M60 Vietnam-era machine gun, complete with 200 rounds of ammunition and a bad attitude.
"Eat hot lead assholes!"
I held the machine gun with one extended arm and rotated 360 degrees, pumping out a cyclic 500 rounds per minute into the waiting bosoms' of my hapless enemy. Ninjas screamed and died with satisfying rapidity. To my suprise, as each bullet struck a ninja, a puff of smoke surrounded the bodies, and a wooden log took the place of each individual ninja's body. I destroyed (what I soon realized to be)the ninja clones in a few chaotic seconds; because, as everyone knows, true ninjas are not so easily dispatched.
"Prepare to die, Tso!" I declared, throwing the emptied machine gun to the ground, jumping over the counter, and dashing through the backdoor after my nemises. I found him waiting on his own sport bike (a Kawasaki ZX-9R with Tokiko binders, longer than normal wheel base, and a sweet suspension) for me in the alleyway.
"Come get some, Dougherty!" Tso called, adjusting his cowboy hat and speeding off.
"Damnit! I shall, Tso. I shall!" I thumbed the cybernetic homing device on the inside of my wrist, calling my trusty Ninja to my current posisition. I could hear it's high-end whine approaching from the other side of the street, and as it closed the distance I mentally prepared myself for the truly awesome battle that was to ensue...
That's it for today kids! Oh wait? No love, no romance, you say? ummmm.....I got laid by about 10 swedish supermodels before leaving the CIA building if I remember correctly. There you go!
Moral: Always wear a condom!
calamityJANE said...
the same thing happened to me the other day!!
(the same thing meaning i got laid by 10 swedish supermodels.)
hk_newbie said...
Actually, this happens to me pretty much everyday. It kinda sucks now.