I've been thinking about it often lately (mostly after contemplating multi-tool hari-kiri after dealing with a particularly stupid cow-orker) and every day, the idea of being a homeless drunken bum sounds more and more TOTALLY AWESOME.
Allow me to regale you with my reasoning:
*Bums don't work. They just kind of layabout, shoot the shit, give sage advice to lost travelers, and stab each-other. All of which are skills that I possess in spades!
*Constant drunkenness. Bums somehow have the ability to acquire quality alcohol at all times of day and in all locations. And they drink it like normal folks aerobically inhale and process oxygen--except we don't curl up and die of cirrhosis after a hard month of breathing.
*Bums never have to deal with PECO, Comcast, or other asshole corporate bill-collecting agencies. For this one reason alone, I would gladly give up all worldly possessions.
*Free soup for dinner. What more needs be said?
*Hot college chicks are always trying to help out the homeless. I could see myself, as a homeless drunken bum, saying things like "I think, for you, i could give up alcohol and drugs, get a job, and be happy" then I'd take 50 bucks from the bitch's purse and buy a decent bottle of wine to celebrate my crushing of someone's innocence and belief in the intrinsic good of man. It's really kind of a white wine event, I think.
*In case of a zombie outbreak or nuclear war, the homeless are perfectly positioned to live in the ensuing post-apocalyptic environment. Eat that, yuppie-soon-to-starve-to-death scum!
*Any time is a good time to stab someone!
Well, as you can see, I put a TON of thought into this possible life. I believe it's a tolerable sort of existence--definitely preferable to my current position. Now, what could my bum-name be...
--HK_Newbie
And yes, I probably will be seeing "Grindhouse" this weekend.
The_Consultant said...
I think I am the only one that even comes on here anymore. I think your bum name should be Pinball Newbie.
hk_newbie said...
nah, there's a bunch of people from my work who come on here--you're not totally alone. One of them even asked if she was the cow-orker...I told her no.
RaiNny said...
I still read and will one day become a poster again...one day. Newbie, I sent you an email.
calamityJANE said...
doc! i really appreciate this entry. it's so well thought out. i would want to be a bum with all my heart except for one thing: they smell really bad and i hate smell.