Quote "BOOOOOoRRRRRRIIIIIIIING!!!!!!"
So, How DOES one turn an excellent opportunity for violence and mayhem on a massive scale into an exercise in coma-inducing, slow-motion, poorly-acted, and surprisingly homo-erotic cinema?
Easy, children! You just slow everything down to a bloody crawl and each 2 minute fight scene turns into a 20 minute artsy-fartsy snooze-fest. Then you attempt to introduce a pseudo-political backstory which is performed at about the same pace as the fighting and with the same verisimilitude.
Sigh...I really had high hopes for this movie too. The trailer was freaking entertaining: what with the hot chick dancing, and the sword-arm fat guy, and the heads rolling, and the screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"
The hot chick dancing ended up being kind of stupid (though she did have great tits, a gorgeous body, and a beautiful face; she did not have NEARLY enough screen time to make it worthwhile, and her dancing looked like she was spasming from severe epileptic episodes). Sword-arm fat guy had all of one minute of screen time, but his potential awesomeness was through the freaking roof. Seriously, they should have a spin off movie (with no slo-mo sequences PLEASE!) where all he does is walk around Greece slicing off heads with his sword arms and drinking wine by the barrel. In the end, he gets with hot dancing chick and they give birth to a litter hot dancing chicks with congenital sword-arms. I'm practically salivating in (morbid and disturbing) sexually aroused glee.
By the way, the dude with the spear...his wife...while hot, has what I've heard called "national geographic nipples." That is, if she's not careful, she could inadvertently poke eyes out with her super-extendo-nips. Ewwwwwww. Gross.
--HK_Newbie
The_Consultant said...
I was going to see this at an IMAX thinking the size of the screen would justify non-stop fight scenes. Am I wrong in this assumption?
calamityJANE said...
Yeah, I was worried about all that.
hk_newbie said...
It doesn't matter how large the screen is; this movie could not suck any less.