Last night I decided to leave my apartment and make the long, difficult journey to the local cinema. On my way, I debated on which of the many horrendous visual and auditory tortures I should submit myself to. Earlier that day, I saw a preview of “THE TRANSPORTER 2” and I was pleased to see a really hot chick shooting people with dual Mac10’s. I was in love. I would watch this “TRANSPORTER 2,” if only to see the hot chick with the guns. After all, isn’t that what REALLY matters? Hot chick? Guns?
Yep. That’s all that matters.
Or so I thought. My god was this bad. Not even a super-hot psycho chick with cool guns could save this movie from utter, gut wrenching badness. That’s the only way I can describe it: “badness.” There are no words in the English language to accurately describe the way this movie insults its audience. Here’s a scene:
The Transporter, after successfully DODGING FUCKING BULLETS BY SIDE- STEPPING REPEATEDLY, is ambushed. There’s a gun to his head, and the ambusher laughs at the hapless Transporter. “Now I have you…TRANSPORTER” the generic bad guy blurts out, “now why don’t you just go back to your vehicle, because, for some inexplicable reason, our boss would rather kill you in a complicated, semi-poetic method. Now, off with you!” The Transporter gives a bad-ass stare to the group of bad dudes surrounding him, says something pithy, and on the way back to his car, he notices a shiny metal thingie with blinking red lights and a little bitty antennae attached to the underside of his car. They might as well have stenciled BOMB in huge neon colors because, as everyone knows, bombs must 1.possess blinking red lights 2. an antennae 3.and be very very shiny.
Anyhow, you can see his brow furrow as he attempts to identify it for a moment. His eyes light up when he realizes the nature of the bomb, he looks one final time at his attackers, they smile, he smiles, they laugh, he laughs, one guy sneezes, the Transporter says “Bless you”, the guy replies “thank you, kind sir”. After this uncomfortable exchange ends, the Transporter enters his car, drives it off a conveniently placed pole, gets airborne, AND A FUCKING CRANE SCRAPES THE BOMB OFF THE CAR WHERE IT (the bomb) HARMLESSLY EXPLODES BECAUSE THE BAD DUDE NUMERO UNO DECIDED AT THAT EXACT MOMENT TO TRIGGER IT. The car of course lands harmlessly on all four wheels, turns 360 degrees, dances a little jig, makes that cool “dweep dwoop shwwoooop” noise from “Transformers” and drives off into the sunset with crappy rock playing in the background.
It is at this point that I realized just what I was in for. Thank all the gods above for the genius inclusion of the partially clad hot blonde chick and two mac10s. I might have started a riot to end all riots were it not for this ONE, SINGLE redeeming virtue.
This particular scene is actually the schematic for the rest of the movie, with little variation throughout. Every time the enemy gets the drop on the Transporter and has like a million guns pointed in his direction, after he’s already kicked a ridiculous amount of their buddies’ asses and looked pretty damn cool while doing it (honestly, he’s got that “white Bruce Lee” thing going on, if they didn’t ruin it with stunts completely out of the realm of possibility, I might have enjoyed the fight scenes), they DECIDE NOT TO SHOOT HIM so they can mock him until he eventually, and miraculously I might add, turns the tables and kills them all anyway. The fifth time this scene happened, I shouted “Just shoot him, for christ’s sake!” and the guy next to me piped in “Hell yea, this is fucking gay.” Fucking gay, indeed. This movie was literally painful to watch. I haven’t experienced such pain in a long time…not since “Fantastic Four!” And that movie had Jessica Alba throughout its entirety, the Transporter only had “hot crazy blonde chick with guns” every so often.
Let me put it this way. I would rather die than see this movie again. In fact, I’d rather go back in time and kill myself on my way to the theater, creating a time-based existence paradox and probably destroying the fabric of reality. All because “The Transporter 2” sucked so bad. Good job, A-holes, you just made me destroy reality!
Oh yea, as a side note, .45 calibre mac10 bullets can't pierce wooden doctor's office doors, no matter how many times you shoot them. So the next time some really hot crazy blonde chick decides to kill you with a mac10, snatch the nearest wooden door and use it as an impromtu shield. Trust me, you won't be dissapointed.
--HK_Newbie
RaiNny said...
I actually had the misfortune of watching the previous "Transporter" installment. I'm sure the sequel was just as bad if not worse. The only redeeming quality was that there was a semi-attractive asian hottie in it. And since "The Transporter" was white, I was able to place myself in his shoes during the sex scene with only minimal fantasial effort.
said...
i havent seen the first part, so i'm sure if i had this movie would have been far better. i'd understand such fantastic quips as ". .*you're* cancelled" better. at least, i try and delude myself into believing that. it's the only way the world can make sense after seeing this refuse.
2 thumbs up tho, for the performance of the completely convenient "wall-o-spikes" and "steam filled pipes perfectly installed for martial arts action".
seriously tho,
when the day comes i own a garage, i'm totally keeping 3 things in it:
1. an unnecessary number of fire axes
2. rows upon rows of katana's for some reason.
3. all my ammuntion, so when i run out of clips and all that ammo is down in the garage (thru which i access via a grated sewer panel type door) where the hero has run i conveniently set up the next fight scene for the no doubt captivated
audience.
said...
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hk_newbie said...
god, i miss ASCII art. POST SOME MORE!! LETS GET SOME LOLERSKATES IN HERE!