Hi everyone! I know i've been throwing those words around alot lately--"worst movie ever"--but in this case (as in all the others), it is a well deserved moniker.
Fantastic 4, despite the inclusion of the angelic Jessica Alba (whose only good movie was "Idle Hands"), was the equivalent of crawling naked over an acre of broken glass and discarded medical waste. If that image didn't get through to you the intense dislike I have for this movie and everything associated with it, then read on, moron!
Roughly 90% of the movie is spent establishing the razor sharp sense of humor possessed by every single character (including the guys selling hotdogs on the street--everyone in New York is a comedic genius!) through a series of sophomoric jokes. A confused individual attempted to convince me that the endless string of so-called "jokes" was also known as "character development". Allow me to demostrate:
Human Torch: Hey! Dr. Doom, I hope you have FIRE INSURANCE, because you're about to get BURNED!!!
BAM! Check out that character development right there! The Human Torch just revealed aspects of his internal self through a witty and totally original joke; Shakespeare: eat your heart out, the playwrites of the new generation are here to put you in your place...WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!!
Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba. What can I say about her? She's hot, yes. Very hot, yes. But everytime she opens her mouth to spout whatever inane dialogue she's reading off a cue-screen, I want to throw a sandwhich down her mouth. If only to make her stop my hurting. She is so impossibly innapropriate for her role. They couldn't have done any worse if they picked some random chick from hooters. Just throw on some glasses and she's a brain surgeon! Right?
In addition to all this crap, nothing really happened to advance the plot until the last five minutes when Dr. Doom makes his semi-triumphant appearance, says some tear-jerkingly evil dialogue the likes of which hasn't been seen on celluloid since "Apocalyspe Now", defeats, and is defeated in turn by the mind-numbingly boring fantastic four. They Burn him to death. With fire. What a pathetic way for my favorite super-villian to bite the dust.
I tried my best to make the movie more tolerable for myself and my fellow patrons by commenting, as loudly as I could, on every bit of trite dialogue and vain attempts at humor. Or, pretending to choke myself into unconsciousness with the hope of waking up when something that might be considered interesting would occur. Each time I sought to take refuge in the power of TRUE humor, the loser sitting next to me (who also equated humor with character development) kept putting his hand on my thigh, whispering "naboo...naboooooo" and I was reminded of Star Wars: Episode Three. Almost immediately, those words sent me into a partial catatonic state where I relived all the most vile scenes (i.e. all of them) from that particular gem in a period of minutes. I soon learned of true horror. The sort which no man may gaze upon and retain his sanity for any period of time.
I rushed out of the theatre during the closing moments of this atrocity, my liquified brain leaking from my ears, shouting "Uncle Indy, Let's go home now!"
--HK_Newbie
RaiNny said...
Thank you for going through the torment of seeing this movie for me. I knew it would suck but was hoping that I could resist the temptation long enough for someone else to confirm this.
hk_newbie said...
My sacrifice was not in vain, then.
The_Consultant said...
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The_Consultant said...
Do you guys see the 23% here? http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/fantastic_four/ That means that 3 out of 4 interviewers thought this movie sucked balls. Now this is not the entire popullation, so we can not conclude for sure that this ratio will hold for everyone. What we can predict is that the read appreciation rate is probably between 10% and 40%, so at best, its less than half good. Please tell me why you thought was worth risking money on, clearly statistics show odds were against you.
The_Consultant said...
Having trouble getting links to link. Roten Tomatoes
hk_newbie said...
Please tell me why you thought was worth risking money on, clearly statistics show odds were against you.
Sometimes, one must see a movie, just for the sake of mocking it. I wasn't going to see it at first, but then someone reminded me that to insult anything properly you have to truly understand its failings...and oh boy, do I now understand this movie's failings.