9:05 PM - A Guide To A Healthy Dorm-Room Relationship

For many of us, the dorm life experience can come as quite a shock. Indeed, I remember my first couple of days of college quite well. I can vividly recall the initial feelings of dread and sorrow that washed over me. It was as if my emotions were bees and my body comprised of delicious honey producing nectar. Just like most of the people who attend fine institutions, I was not accustomed to this whole “roommate” thingy. And if you’re anything like me, you quickly learned to fucking hate it. I know that he/she makes you want to commit regicide in hopes that you will be given the death penalty for your crimes just to alleviate your pain, as did I. After several weeks though, it finally occurred to me, the antidote to my constant misery epidemic was upon me!!!

The key to a healthy dorm-room relationship is simple. Your roommate must learn to respect you. And what is the easiest way to earn respect? That’s right, by making them fear you. You must become the veritable John Gotti of your respective life cubicles. You must instill in all those around you an ever present trepidation of your being. Your roommate(s) should cower in your wake much like people cowering in a wake only without the whole funeral atmosphere thing going on. After all it’s YOUR room, not OUR room.

I have found after many months of trial and error that the easiest way for you to accomplish said fear is by making them believe that you’re crazy. Now, I’m not talking about any of that pansy rock-star crazy like those with Bi-Polar or anything. I’m talking about really crazy, like Post-Office massacre crazy. That’s what you’re shooting for (no pun intended). You want your roommate to believe that at any moment you could just snap and erase his existence like the genetic mistake he is. Outlined below are a few simple steps you can follow on your very own path to crazy.

Step 1: You must fit the profile of being crazy.

Ever read an article or see an interview of the people who knew someone who had just snapped and killed a bunch of people? What do they always say? “I didn’t really know him that well. He was real quiet and polite. Always kept to himself. Didn’t really talk all that much. He was really really neat too…always came to work on time…never had any problems with him. It’s really shocking that he would do something like this.” Shocking indeed!!! If you want people to think you’re crazy you’re going to have to fit the profile of being crazy. So go for that stereotypically anal retentive style that us crazy folk have. Become sickeningly conscious of time and make sure that you shun any sort of social contact. But if a situation arises and you’re forced to talk to other humans make sure that you’re extremely polite. Crazy people are always polite and everyone knows this.

Step 2: Develop a tic.

One of the side-effects of being one of the blessedly insane is what is referred to as “tics”. Whether they be nervous or one of the various other varieties, one thing is positive. They all scream crazy. There are many different types of tics that can be developed and it is up to you to decide which you prefer. As for myself, I employ the classic eye twitch. It’s an oldie but a goody and is quite effective when used in conjunction with a slight jerking of the head. I find that rabid dogs make good test subjects when determining what tic you should be using. Simply stare it in the eyes and tic away. When it starts biting your face off it’s safe to say that your tic is sufficient.

Step 3: Make outlandish statements.

Crazy people are infamous for their uncanny ability to say things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. And you can be sure that normal people always notice this. Content and timing are critical when convincing others of your insanity. For instance, a good example of a ludicrous statement would be “I hate dental floss.” However, as I said before, timing is crucial. If this were stated in the middle of a dental hygiene conversation it would be completely relevant and thus useless. Ideally it should be said during a time when the other person feels vulnerable. When the two of you are in bed and are experiencing a period of awkward silence provides for a perfect opportunity to employ such a technique. You see, if you were to state “I hate dental floss” immediately proceeding a completely inane conversation that you were forced to partake in, your roommate will be thoroughly alarmed by the sheer randomness of your announcement. The usual response for such a declaration would be somewhere along the lines of your roommate giving out a long and bewildered “ok” and then curling up into a ball and softly crying himself to sleep. Who knows, he may even begin experiencing nightmares about dental floss in which case you’ve just scored some extra bonus points towards your crazy meter.

Step 4: Get a “Crazy Item”.

All crazy people keep something that is as equally devoid of sanity as themselves. So you too must accrue an item of choice. Popular devices include Bibles with underlined passages, tattered and worn stuffed animals, or a mystery box. I fancy the latter. It must be noted however, that if you’re going to utilize the services of such a vessel, certain measures must be taken. First, you should make sure it is a plain container void of all distractions. This is done to insure that the point is that what matters is not what the box is, but what is contained within. Second, you should never under any circumstance allow your roommate to peer within it. Preferably it should have a lock and you should constantly check the contents of the box while your roommate is present to feed his ever gnawing curiosity. Although as stated before, you should never allow him to see what is contained inside and you should continuously make it known that he is not to look. Every so often you should accuse him of breaking into your box just to keep him on his toes. Third, the contents of the box are vital to the workings of the mechanism. I have found that pictures of you roommate sleeping or severed human fingers work quite nicely. Last and most importantly, you must catch your roommate breaking into your box. This can be accomplished quite easily by installing a camera in your room and conveniently forgetting your key to the box on your desk. Watching him pick up your key and crazy box through the hidden camera, you should burst into the room the very moment his face becomes aghast with what he finds contained within. At this point your roommate will probably run screaming from your room leaving you to pick up the contents of your box and put it back in plain sight for your roommate’s easy viewing.

Step 5: The “Crazy Stare”.

The last step of walking into the world of the clinically insane is that of the “Crazy Stare”. Crazy people all have that certain look in their eyes. It’s very hard to pinpoint what exactly it is, but they all have it. It appears something like a mixture of being incredibly hungry and horribly constipated at the same time. Anyway, you can easily practice your crazy stare with the same rabid dog that you were practicing your tic on, waiting for the same results to ensue. The crazy stare can be employed at any time but I find it most effectively used when your roommate is just waking up from his dental floss inspired nightmares. Imagine the display of sheer terror on his face when he wakes to find you staring directly into his eyes with that look that says “I’m hungry…and I need to shit too.”

So there you have it folks. These are the keys to having a successful dorm room experience. It may take some time to perfect your art. But remember, eventually you too will persevere and your roommate will be in the corner of your room curled up in the fetal position crying for his "Mother", whatever that may be. Good luck and good crazying.

-RaiNny

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 hk_newbie said...

OMG, Rainny, you have successfully pinpointed all the prerequisites for absolute pseudo-insanity. But a word of warning: in time, these portrayals may force you into the role you pretend, so that you actually become completely bugfuck crazy and start writing on the mirror with soap.


That's not neccessarily a bad thing either; just a fringe benefit.

Bravo!  

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