First, we’ll start off with the utter and complete uselessness of guns for home defense. As everyone knows, I enjoy shooting. I could shoot all day if “the man” would let me, but he doesn’t so I don’t. But you know what? Guns are absolutely, 100% useless if you want to use them to defend yourself against home invaders or Russian paratroopers ala “Red Dawn”. In 9 out of 10 cases, the firearm that the homeowner was going to use to “kick ass” and “defend my property from the commie trespassers” (which, in Texas, is basically ANYONE who is foolish enough to walk on anything resembling “my proper-tay!” Honestly, these people are still stuck in a McCarthy-like mindset where anyone they don’t intimately know is immediately a commie bastard here to steal your land and launch ICBMs into key political targets from your barn) is uselessly discharged into the wall directly behind the target (and succeeds only in making up their mind to definitely kill you; whereas before they were going to make you lemon wedges and do your laundry while you sleep). That 1 out of 10 is when the firearm discharges into the homeowner’s HEAD multiple times because he’s to damn stupid to aim properly when a million cc’s of adrenaline and fear are coursing through his veins, and his spasmodic trigger finger goes berserk.
The absolute best way to defend your home, puny mortals, is through a series of progressively more difficult traps and riddles told by ancient demons and the occasional rabid zombie dog as the invader draws closer and closer to your inner domain. The old “crushing ceiling of death”, “fall away floor into a pit of rusty spikes”, and “man-eating giant plants” are all tried-and-true means of defending your home from those pesky invading special-forces teams or annoying super burglar from France. These instant death traps should be distributed liberally around the periphery of your “giant mansion in the woods” or “gothic church in the mountains” (whatever appeals to you most, really). Additionally, your doors should require multiple keying interfaces— like a red gem that fits into the eyeball of a tiger and a blue gem that fits into the belly button of a lemur. These two gems should be hidden, for example, in the middle of the floor where your “ceiling of crushing death” will do its thing upon the lifting of said gem, or temptingly placed in the tendrils of one of the “man-eating giant plants”. Just in case your enemies get any smart ideas, make sure the doors are doubly reinforced with steel beams, concrete, and self-destruct mechanisms if they are opened any other way than through the intended interface.
Take that, rocket launcher-wielding chick in the red dress! Thought you were smart when you blew away that door without first locating and turning the purple key of Azkazam after I went through all that trouble of hiding it?! Eat ceiling!As I said earlier, riddles told through an ancient flesh-eating demon from the gibbering chaos realm are always a classy approach if you don’t mind the chance of it escaping from its ethereal bonds and devouring your soul in retribution for summoning it forcibly from its comfy 6th dimension to ask impossibly difficult questions to random invaders and subsequently biting off their heads.
I’d limit myself to one or two quasi-godlike demons, given they take up a lot of room in my palace and they’re a real mess to clean up after. But they do make excellent cocktail party conversation starters. Perhaps later I will discuss means of training and recruiting security guards/experiment victims.
--HK_Newbie
The_Consultant said...
Is that carrot top? That is kind of sick.
hk_newbie said...
I think it's carrot top, after he reaveals his TRUE FORM!!!!!!!
The Salvage Bar said...