BATON ROUGE, LA - Today marks exactly 13 weeks since Sharon McCugh (22) went missing. Sharon was 4 months pregnant with quintuplets and was slated to marry her High School sweetheart when her family last had contact with her. It is presumed that the Mother-to-be was a victim of a vicious shark attack or abducted by a miscellaneous black man wearing a red hooded sweatshirt while she was vacationing on the island country of Trinidad & Tobago.Friends and family are heartbroken over the tragic circumstances. When interviewed about the situation, her Father, Minister Terrence McCugh, had this to say: "I can't believe something like this could happen to my little girl. She was capable of so much. And I pray everyday to Jesus that she return safely." Among Sharon's many accomplishments, she was recently awarded with "The Whitest Dumb Slut Party Girl" superlative upon her graduation from Baton Rouge Community College where she received her Associates Degree in Business Management.
The surge in shark and black people violence on white women seems to be directly linked to the record breaking heat wave currently in our midst. The sick and elderly are reminded to stay in a cool area and not do stuff. Stupid white sluts should not be dissuaded however and are advised to continue life as usual, "getting crunked" in the clubs on their parents' trust funds.
When asked of her opinion on the recent weather phenomenon, Paris Hilton stated simply "That's hot." Ms. Hilton is of course currently dating newly divorced Brad Pitt. Posed with the same question topic he was quoted as saying the following: "The restraining order said 50 feet! And where are my pants!?!" Pitt is also under hot debate for his recent involvement in the Michael Jackson adult molestation trial. Neither party would respond for comment on this issue.
Celebrity sex scandals seem to be on the rise as of late. The undead corpse of former President Ronald Reagan was again indicted for sexual misconduct. The trial and reburying of President Reagan will be featured non-stop for the next 18 days on our network affiliate. The second party involved is Reuben Studdard of American Idol fame. The matter in question occurred 4 nights ago when President Reagan was in attendance of a live taping of the popular series. He was asked to be on stage for the finale. However, as the pyrotechnics showered the contestants, viewers were shocked to witness Studdard giving fellatio to the decaying genitalia of the former President. Studdard claims that it was all an accident and that it happened because he slipped on some loose meatball sandwiches during his final pirouette.
The live debacle has much of the country outraged. John Stanley recently penned on his internet blogsite: "The world is most assuredly going to Hell! Babies are being killed, evolution is taught in schools, and Presidents are getting blowjobs! You must repent now lest you burn eternally in the deepest bowels of Beelzebulb's den!" All news and commentary from now on will be taken directly from internet blogsites due to it being easier than actually doing our own work.-RaiNny
RaiNny said...
"What the hell was the purpose of this post?"
I'm making fun of something. Try and guess what that is.
hk_newbie said...
My prayers and hopes and small baggies of cocaine artfuly secreted in various places on her body will be with Sharon McCugh until that damn shark is hunted down and made to pay for its evil ways.
RaiNny said...
Well, I'm glad SOMEONE got what I was trying to say here. I was hoping I wouldn't have to put some sort of explanation at the bottom of my post but it seems like that was a mistake. GKing, have you ever seen the news? The only things they seem to report on nowadays are utterly meaningless. i.e. The things that I used as topics (shark attacks, celebrity news, missing white women, etc.). By combining them into one gigantic news spectacle I had hoped to provide some small fraction of scathing commentary on the scene and just a minute piece of humor. It seems that it was a resounding failure. I will now relinquish all ties I ever had to literary responsibility and comic relief.
The_Consultant said...
newbie, where do you buy drugs at, the drug store?
hk_newbie said...