Announcer: Hello Newbie
Newbie: Hi, asshole. (the crowd titters appreciatively)
Announcer: Welcome to another exciting episode of "THIS IS YOUR LIFE!" (the crowd joins in, as if on cue (actually, it was on cue) and cheers maniacally for 5 minutes afterwards)
Newbie: why am I here? untie me, now!
Announcer: Sorry about the midnight kidnapping, Newbie; but this is how we roll at "THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!" (once again, about 5 minutes pass until the audience either calms down or collapses from exhaustion). Now, shall we proceed on with the show?
Newbie: Yea, sure. Whatever. When I get out of here, I'm going to do something mean and irreversible to certain orfices of yours.
Announcer: Boo-ya! Excellent! (the announcer makes little gun shooting motions with his hands at the temporarily helpless newbie) Mr. Newbie, sir, as you know, you're unbelieveably, almost incomprehensibly old right now (about 23 he whispers in sotto voice) and as you approach the end of your lifespan, your enemies thought it would be best to recommend you for our show: "THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!" (approximately 3 audience members' heads explode).
Newbie: My enemies! I knew it! Who put you up to this? Was it General Tso? Eric "USP Master" Cho? GOD? or....was it...::gasp::...GORDON RAMSAY?
Announcer: BZZZzzzzT!! Negative! We don't reveal our sponsors, monsieur Newbie. Now, as I was saying--
Newbie: You weren't saying shit, bitch! Now let me out of here, before I eat your fucking liver with a coconut glaze!
Announcer: My, my, it looks like we'll have to use the ballgag after all. BALL GAGGER GANG! (4 men dressed up in old-school "Jack Ketch" (i.e. the guy who cuts off heads in Ye Olde England) outfits enter from stage right, doing all sorts of somersaults, backflips, forward roundoffs, and other gymnastic manouevers whose proper names the writer is unaware of. They quickly and effectively shove a ballgag in newbie's mouth and exaunt stage left)
Announcer: Oh! ho ho ho! Don't you just love the ball gagger gang?! Now, if there are no more interruptions (he looks at newbie suggestively)
Newbie: Psshaatttaetaet! mtteohatearpshe! (trans. Prepare yourself for severe pain of the worst sort, pathetic human blood-bag!)
Announcer: I didn't think so! Let's start with something recent shall we? Do you recognize this voice?
A disembodied voice: I was just running up and down the stairs, as imaginary hallucinagen-induced pigs like myself are wont to do. But he had to get his dog and shark knife and start hunting me down like I actually existed! Damn, he one caaaa-razy motherfucker!
(Newbie stares at the Announcer. Amazed, pissed, and a bit famished)
Announcer: That's right, Newbie! It's the ravenous man-eating pig from your deluded mind, here to pay you a special visit!!! HUZZAH, bring it on out!
(A gigantic razorback pig comes dashing out, stage right, and charges right to Newbie, knocking him down. It begins eating his feet, pausing only to bow now and then to the crack-fiend cheering audience)
That's about all I remember. Jesus, no wonder I have trouble sleeping.
RaiNny said...
My favorite part is when you almost die. :)