A good henchman is hard to find. I’m sure, as fellow megalomaniacs, you’ve found it more and more difficult to acquire and retain storm troopers/willing victims as your plans reach higher levels of devastating fruition. Whether his role is to walk in the same predictable pattern—alone— in front of the main entrance to your top-secret mechanized army laboratory, or run into a crowd of rioting townspeople shouting “repent” and blowing himself up—it is essential for a steady stream of reliable henchmen to be available at a moment’s notice. That’s why I wrote this handy-dandy guide on obtaining and keeping your henchmen on hand, in large numbers, and alive (for as long as convenient).
I call it “Cannon Fodder: The Tao of the Red Shirt Dude from Star Trek and other Techniques for Enabling a Henchman-Based Takeover of the World”. Here’s an excerpt:
Firstly, you should locate an establishment known for housing the sort of henchmen-esque quality of people on whom you need to test your super-soldier formula (or high-capacity death laser or exploding pen bomb or whatever). I highly recommend a store such as “Radio Shack”. Why Radio Shack, you wonder? Allow me to explain: Stores of that nature are generally the last resort of the alone and gullible. If you see some longhaired loser buying a HAM radio manual or a BEAM robot PCB, chances are he’ll work quite well as a mindless drone. Try going late at night (when the normal freaks go to their 3rd floor apartments to eat cold, day-old Chinese takeout and dream of firing laser guns uselessly at retreating heroes’ backsides) and the TRUE freaks come out. These guys make the day crowd at Radio Shack look NORMAL. Popular even! They are that inept at being human, which makes them all the more suited for the role of henchman. Hell, no one will even miss them after your experiment on “the effects of 30-foot bass speakers on the human body” goes generally how you expected— except with more brain and bits of skull. Really, there’s a surprising amount of brain compressed into one head. Trust me on this.
After convincing your potential henchman to follow you to your secret lair of evil, after signing an NDA and passing the urine test, you should submit him to all sorts of degrading, de-individualizing treatment that forces him to realize the only point, the only purpose, of his pitiful life is to work for your diabolic organization (or revolution or junta or whatever). Inundate him with malevolent evil-guy babble like “Burn Invaders, BURN!” and “Where shall my blood be spilled?” Soon enough, he’ll be making up his own threatening one-liners and you’ll be as proud as a Montanan father watching his son build his first anti-government pillbox in the woods.
I hope you've found this excerpt to be enlightening. This is only a small taste of the best-of-breed methodology my own organization has perfected through thousands of years of trial and error. You may want to pick up a copy for yourself, because soon our plans will come full circle and you won't even have a chance to build your own underground lair or army of red-shirted henchman; for the 4MR will own and control ALL!!!!
--HK_Newbie
The_Consultant said...
What happened, all of a sudden this site died.
hk_newbie said...
RaiNny said...
Yeah, me too. Posting will return to normal once I get my school life into routine.