CalamityJane leaves me for the vernal swagger of the Philippines:
Barely a month into our Summer vacation, Jane expedites herself to her home island country of the Philippines posthaste. Upon her arrival she is whisked away to her private estate, inhabited by deadly crocodiles afflicted with that freaky Gary Coleman disease that keeps them in a constant state of infantile stasis for her amusement. She is carried there in a palanquin that is delicately balanced upon a rickshaw that is in turn being held aloft the burly shoulders of 8 of the finest Tanzanian sex slaves. Their dense frames glistened in eager anticipation under the smile of Amaterasu.
"Yes, my child..." the sun Goddess proclaimed "...ride the wind mercurially, for you only have so much time with my servants before you must return to your pitifully inadequate ghost of a man (that's me!)...if you can really call him that."
"I understand, Lady. I will not waste my time with your serfs. I will show you honor by illustrating my vast sexual prowess and dominance over the lesser sex. And God, it will feel really fucking great!!!"
We'll be heading to Maury Povich in several months to figure out who the Father of our child is.
I develop a unified mathematical theory of the universe:
With my Freshman Physics textbook in one hand, a copy of "A Brief History of Time" by Stephen Hawking in the other, Tool's "Lateralus" playing through my Prang brand monophonic speaker, and a bowl full of Dots candy, I set upon discovering the great mysteries of the universe. I forget how long it took me but I do remember I had gotten through at least 73 interludes on "Lateralus" and 2 actual songs. I'll skip through all the math for you simpletons, but I've already been awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics, Chemistry, and Biology for the remainder of the century for my work, so rest assured it's correct. Oh yeah, I also got a spot on "Vogue" magazines "The 20 Sexiest Men Alive". I'm number 18, right below that asshole Brad Pitt. Anyways, here it is:
NewBIE=FaG
Where "N" is the number of turns in a Helmholtz coil, "e" the charge of an electron, "w" the centripetal velocity of the particle, "B" the value of the magnetic field present, "I" the current propagating the field, "E" the "Fag Constant" (10.62 X 10^3 Fags/Universe), "F" is the force created, "a" the acceleration, and "G" the universal gravitation constant (6.67 X 10^-11 Nm^2/kg^2).
I experience a mild stroke (again) after MTV execs give the ok for a second season of "My Super Sweet Sixteen":
A super-sonic shockwave of stupidity is emitted through the ether upon the green-lighting of season two of the most inane show ever created. The doctors say that I've lost 143 IQ points this time around, dropping me to a mere 34,359 now, as a result of the brain infarction. Yet still, even with my astounding mental capabilities and my newly attained unifying theory of the universe, I cannot deduce the rationale for the development of this program. The only thing I can possibly think of is that perhaps Satan himself (herself) has sent this pestilence down to us in wave particle form as regular old biological plagues and brimstone and stuff just aren't as cool and sophisticated as they used to be. Nevertheless, we must fight this new tool of el Diablo lest we all be consumed in the bladder quivering wail of spoiled 16 year old girls screaming for their ponies!
My sister begins dating a Republican:
There's no joke here, this really happened.
Popular music reaches an all time high of shittyness:
Listen to, nay, just think about the possibility of anything "musical" put out by 50 cent, Missy Elliot, or Gwen Stefani and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
We'll take these one at a time.
Whenever I hear 50 cent I immediately think that what I'm hearing is a joke. A small grin begins to manifest upon my face as I imagine some sort of a cartoon version of a gangsta rapper, that is so overwhelmingly stereotypical, it singlehandedly sets us back to pre-emancipation proclamation America. Then, I see some idiot bobbing his head up and down in a bumblebee yellow H2...WITHOUT A SMILE ON HIS FACE!!!
Missy Elliot has done what only she can do. Take something that is invariably and intrinsically awesome and make it suck in a heart beat. She has done for dancing what Hitler did for Genocide, she made me like it less. There was a time not too long ago when I had the slight aspiration to learn how to dance...well, break dance that is. Now, all my desires have been dashed by her thinner, but still ugly, face after her latest video was released. In it, there is dancing...really annoying looking dancing to really annoying sounding music that makes me hate dancing!!! It constantly astonishes me that people still haven't realized just how shitty she is.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! Please Gwen, just stop it bitch. You're not ghetto fabulous. In fact, your lyrics are far too stupid even for rap. And I'm pretty sure you might have the whitest skin on the entire planet. I'd be willing to bet that if we put you in front of a prism that your pigment would burst into a rainbow, complete with a gibbering Leprechaun mising over a pot of gold. Though, I do enjoy the scantily clad Asian hotties, keep'em coming.
All of my ex-girlfriends, and some that only exist in an alternate future universe where Jane never returns from her estate in the Philippines, simultaneously beg me for sex:
I answer in the only way I know how.( THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. OR ANYWHERE ELSE. DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK AS IT MAY BE OFFENSIVE, SICKENING, AND JUST PLAIN WRONG TO ANYONE WITH A SENSE OF DECENCY. SEEING AS HOW RAINNY HAS NO SENSE OF DECENCY, THIS IS RIGHT UP HIS ALLEY. --HK_Newbie) By transforming into a hideous hentai monster and raping them like the whores that they truly are!!!
In all I'd say it was an above average Summer. I could've used more hentai rapes and less of my sister dating Republicans though.
(3.5/5)
-RaiNny
calamityJANE said...
I am 1000% sure that boombalakaboombadayclickclick is yours!!! LOOK AT HIM!!!! His pee-pee is the same size as yours already!!!
I love you more now because of this post.
said...
i hate to bust your sex-god-man complex but, in being one of those ex gf's you described as "all," i did not beg for sex from you this summer.. or ever for that matter... but anyways... you should drop all that science bullshit and just become the next ummm... david letterman or something ( without the tooth gap). bravo bravo my dear.