The tale begins many months ago during the 14,364th year of the great Leviathan's slumber. It was spring time and the weeds of love had just begun taking hold as the dandelions root took grasp of the land. However as all gardeners know, the shoot, though planted with ample amour, must be uprooted from time to time lest the earth grow tired and then nothing will grow anew. Such is the saga of our two heroes.
It was late one evening when I received a phone call from fellow member GKing4Ever. Thinking this was yet another routine telephoning, of which I seem to inherit a seemingly insurmountable expanse as though he were my spouse, I sighed heavily and brought the receiver to my ear.
"Hey, what's up man" I spoke in automotanous fashion.
Gasping as though these were his last breaths, GKing4Ever choked out "RaiNny, something's happened! Something bad...really really bad!"
A million thoughts raced through my head from the threats of a nuclear holocaust to a world filled with only the blighting sounds of The Dave Matthews Band for musical accompaniment. But what was I thinking? This was GKing4Ever we're talking about. My mind quickly settled upon something more appropriate. "Did you sell your fucking PS2 again? Cause if you did I'm gonna fucking kill you!"
"No man, I still got it. It's Newbie and Chow!"
"Newbie and Chow?" I questioned in my head. I spoke again shortly "What happened?"
Listening in disbelief, GKing4Ever recounted the falling out of two of my closest companions. Men I had known longer and better than the stats of my coveted "Dictators of African Genocides" Collectible Card Game. Apparently the very thing that had made Newbie and Chow such tightly knit acquaintances had also driven them apart. I speak of course of Cutesy Anime Shit.
For many years Newbie and Chow had spent copious volumes of time viewing any and all cutesy anime shit. Their favorites though, without a glimmer of a doubt, were the inane dribblings of Director Hayao Miyazaki. Miyazaki is most notably associated with his uncanny ability to produce films with lots and lots of dancing and singing monsters that look like they could've been drawn by a child afflicted simultaneously with down-syndrome, autism, and le cri du chat. Anyways, one day an argument arose between the two over which was the better movie "My Neighbor Toturo" or "Spirited Away". Newbie had taken the position of the latter while Chow the former. Eventually words turned to fisticuffs and only GKing4Ever's masterfully crafted words, "They both suck!", was able to deter the two from pummeling each other into the ground. After that they parted ways perhaps to never see each other again.
Attempts to get the couple to reconcile their friendship all proved to be a resounding failure. Weeks turned to months and the glacier of hatred slid further between them forming a gaping fissure that no one believed could be crossed. That is, until the newest Miyazaki abomination had spawned.
Commercials for the latest installment, "Howl's Moving Castle", sounded off as a mating call for the duo. There was no way that the pair could resist such an opportunity to rekindle the flames of passion. Words were transferred between them and they had anxiously agreed to meet for the opening. I called Newbie on the telephone the next morning to see how the previous night's adventure had gone.
"Oh RaiNny, it was marvelous! The moment we saw each other...it was magic! Our hearts flew with monarch wings. And that rapid undulation only further fanned the flames of adoration for the other."
After my short conversation with Newbie I left him to recover from the hangover of rapture. I then decided I would get Chow's side of the story. I caught the next train down to Philadelphia only hesitating once when I saw a pack of roving Ninja. "Out in the middle of the day in my town! How dare they!" the words reverberated in my mammoth skull with the intensity of a Hello Kitty Vibrator. "No!" I thought "I have a much more pressing matter to attend to and besides they will most assuredly be dashed to pieces by those Samurai on falling rocks."
Upon reaching Chow's manor I made my way as quickly as possible into his abode. The door creaked open slowly and I peered through the portal to witness Chow riding his mountain bike in tiny circles around his living room. Sweat showered onto the ground in a hurricane of salty H2O. "Chow!" I exclaimed "Newbie told me that yesterday was gr...mmph!" Before I could finish my sentence Chow was upon me with his finest Eagle Claw Kung Fu grip. Gasping for air, I struggled with the hand around my throat as Chow bellowed "I'll start with the House Salad and finish with the Filet Mignon, medium rare!" He released his crushing talon and I made an expert backward roll into a standing position waiting for his next onslaught. None came though, and I decided not to temp fate yet again.
The salad was a masterpiece if I do say so myself. I overcooked the meat slightly in an attempt to exact some form of vengeance on Chow. After I placed the food before my friend I quickly dove out of the nearest window in my best Bruce Willis imitation. As I ran I looked over my shoulder and heard an almost inhuman scream "I said medium rare!!!" I then saw Chow leap through his Eastern most wall onto the building next to him. He made short work of the architecture as though he were in a game of Rampage.
Even though I was not able to get any sort of useful information out of Chow and Newbie's account was borderline homoerotic, the fact remains, Chow and Newbie are as good of friends as they ever were. And the revolution is better because of it.
-RaiNny
The_Consultant said...
This story is highly inefficient in reading length and not nearly fictitious enough.
hk_newbie said...
RaiNny said...
Hey guys, I'm just telling it like it is.