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Throwing is the new rolling

One of the greatest sites ever to be seen by mere mortals. Prepare yourselves...for awesomeness. 

Saturday, April 22, 2006

3:22 PM - The end is nigh.

Well, it's finally happened. The monument to monogamous relationships that was Calamity and RaiNny is no more. In true RaiNny's girlfriend fashion, JANE's nervosa reached a critical point last night after I took one of those undeniably scientific online quizzes that matches you up with a compatible celebrity love based upon such notable queries as "For breakfast you are most likely to have: A) Coffee B) Orange Juice or Milk or C) Alcohol". Clearly, all other dating services should take note. Because the future of compatibility surveys is now in question with these new and ground-breaking techniques. Anyways, much to Calamity's chagrin, I somehow managed to get the one woman that fuels her furnace of unsubstantiated paranoia the most. Natalie Fucking Portman. I must say I was quite surprised when she appeared before us in all her pixelated glory. I began laughing uncontrollably at the sheer coincidence of it all. JANE, however did not. At that very moment something inside her snapped. Quickly she lunged at my eyes in an attempt to remove my valuable organs wailing like a banshee. "You fucked her didn't you!?! You son of a bitch! I will make you pay for your insolence!!!"

I didn't bother trying to reason with her. Because I know the bitches are KaRaZy when they get like this! Instead, after years of this usual reaction I have been able to hone my bitch deflecting skills to a razor's edge. I simply gave her a swift kick to the jugular and threw her out of my dorm room window. She immediately righted herself and ran off into the darkness like a wild ocelot.

Suffice it to say, our relationship is over. Not like I was surprised or anything. Nor do I really care, after all this time I've developed quite a thick skin for this kind of thing. And I've told her a million times that if she wants to be crazy that's fine. Just don't expect me to take it. And with a haircut like this, I've got bitches lined up around the block just to get a glimpse of my heavenly visage.

It's clear though, I must be more careful from now on. I'm not going to leave things up to chance anymore. I must be more...scientific like those online quizzes! Yes, that's it! I know, I'll write another computer program to help me! I can combine it with some of the algorithms from those online quizzes and my own personal genius to create the ultimate in Compatibility Tests! Fear me Dr. Niel Clark Warren!!!

Contrary to the other methods that rely on narrow viewed questions with only a few possible answers, my program allows you to make certain specifications for your mate. This allows for the most freedom and accuracy. Ok, here we go.

She should be the perfect melange of sex, fun, and intellect. Able to kick ass like a samurai but love like a siren. An excellent cook and great at washing the dishes too! What else? Oh, she's gotta love D&D AND GUNS! Video games too! Yeah, this is great! What am I missing...now, I remember. The most important attribute of all. She must LOVE ANAL SEX.

Ok, now all I have to do is hit return and the computer should come back with a result.

::PROCESSING::






Oh no...what...what have I done? I think I'm going to be sick.



JANE, wait!!! Come back!!! I'm sorry I'll do anything for you!!!

-RaiNny

Blogger hk_newbie said...

Rainny...If you don't want Ms. Couture...can I have her?  

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