King Kong. What can i say about this film? First of all, as i'm sure all of you are already aware, it is horrible. It is horrible in a way that only big budget films with tons of hype and overpaid actors and actresses can be horrible: it actually makes you feel sick after watching it.
There is no contemplation of what you've just seen afterwards; there is no discernible feeling of joy or sadness or any other heightened emotional state; there is just a cherry-pit sized rock of disgust waiting to be expelled from your gut and thrown at 1) yourself, for paying and actually sitting there for 3 hours which could have been better spent practicing forms of self-mutilation or slow suicide and, 2) the rest of the world, for allowing such excess to be produced and embraced in the first place.
I've said it once, and i'll say it again: people should not be allowed the gift of free will-- they make too many fucking stupid decisions.
When i'm overlord of the universe, all decisions, from "what am i going to eat for breakfast" to "should i cut the red wire or the blue wire", will be filtered through me and my specially trained collective of massively parallel processing human logic gates before ANY decisions are made. In any case, back to the movie.
The dude with the big nose, the chick with the blonde hair who reminds me of a flesh eating ghoul, and the new god among comedians, JACK BLACK, all manage to speak and move around on screen without actually conveying any emotion or importance to their words or actions. Bravo! I hope you all accidently swallow your acadamy awards and die! Alone! And Naked! Collapsed in a fetid puddle of your own shit and urine!
Then there's the token angst ridden kid determined to prove himself and the older, wiser black man who wants to show this young buck the right way to live his life through constant, ostentatious attempts at sounding like a talking fortune cookie whenever he's given more than 2 minutes of screen time. Here's an example:
JIMMY: Let me at him, Toby! I can beat that dinosaur! I can do it!
TOBY: Jimmy! ::Toby rests a calming hand on Jimmy's shoulder and slowly massages his neck and shoulder:: Sometimes, a man has to know when he cannot or should not fight a 20-ton dinosaur. Like that dinosaur right there ::Toby points off into the distance at one feasting on the innards of one of their shipmates:: you should not confront that dinosaur because it is just living its life the only way it knows how. As a man, Jimmy, we must respect that and emulate it in our own way. ::Toby kisses Jimmy on the cheek, and nibbles on his earlobe::
JIMMY: ::Jimmy lowers his rifle, and sighs. Digesting this ancient wisdom.:: Thanks Toby, you always know the right things to do. I hope you don't die in some painfully drawn out, subtely homoerotic battle sequence (replete with cheesy "death scene" music) thus finally showing me what it is to be a man.
TOBY: Me too, Jimmy. Me too.
It's quite amazing when you think about it, really. 3 hours long, and it might as well have been a silent movie. Maybe my ears wouldn't have been bleeding profusely when i left the theatre.
There was a few moments of saving grace. The T-Rex fight scene was admittedly awesome, Jack Black had a few moments of amusing dialogue, and there was a tongue-in-cheek mention of one of Peter Jackson's old (read: good) movies on one of the cages in the steamer ship's hold (anyone else notice the sign reading "Sumerian Rat Monkey"?)Gking's porno version is probably better: King Thong and the sequel, King Dong. Which brings me to my next point, a worthwhile movie, with ::gasp of delight:: FRENCH LESBIANS!!!
HIGH TENSION:
Yes, this movie is a work of art. I cannot even begin to describe the levels of almost orgasmic delight each masterfully crafted scene brings. Lets just look at the picture of the bad-ass chick with the circular saw and extrapolate from there.
.
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Done extrapolating? Good! Now go: rent, buy, download! Do whatever you must do in order to watch this movie.
--HK_Newbie
The Salvage Bar said...
Okay, while I like a good zombie holocaust as much as the next guy, I really liked King Kong. What is it with you guys hating any movie that is about any sort of pathos or emotional connection that does not involve superheroes? Movies like High Tension and Cabin Fever and the Dawn of the Dead remake are just quirks, outliers. They are not the reason for motion pictures to exist as an art form.
hk_newbie said...
To be honest with you, I'm so sick of the mainstream hollywood film that anything different from it recieves automatic "awesome" points. Everything about the typical blockbuster movie reeks of unoriginality and that "been-there-done-that" bullshit feeling.
It's like my old teacher used to say: "the first man who said "my love is a red, red rose" is a genius. The second man who said it is a moron." King Kong couldn't excite me emotionally one bit, because it's so damn cliched. Though i still stand by my original statement that the T-rex fight scene was amazing, and jack black is pure comedic gold.
hk_newbie said...
oh yea, "Munich" was fucking awesome. Now THAT is a beautiful movie!
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