WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - "Like the empires of Charlemagne and Bismarck, America will be a force to be reckoned with!" an ecstatic George W. Bush announced on the lawn of the White House Tuesday at his last Presidential Press Conference. "From this day on, I will be known as Fuhrer of the Fourth Reich. We will have the military might of Nazi Germany...up until the whole Russia thing!" he declared. Dick Cheney was also present at the press conference, showing off the newly-engraved swastika on his forehead.
Despite the Nazi imagery on the Vice Fuhrer's forehead, there was no word yet as to the racial ideology of the new government, although the new Fuhrer himself seems to favor slow, dim-witted, God-fearing southerners and former members of the Texas Rangers baseball team.
Meanwhile, the Communist wing of the Democratic Party was alarmed, with General Secretary Howard Dean fleeing to the liberal wasteland of Canada to rouse support. "We're gonna go to Moscow, and we're gonna go to Beijing, and we're gonna go to Havana!" he screamed to a crowd of three cows and an old British Columbian farmer named Ed. "The proletariat will not be silenced!"
Those who did not flee the United States, like noted red rabble-rouser John Kerry, urged calm - we think - with this confusing statement. "I urge all Americans to remain calm and let the Democratic process take its course, but be vigilant and fight against what is going on in Washington. Oh, and make sure to have plenty of gay sex!". He then boarded a plane to Paris to meet with fellow America-hater, French leader Jacques Chirac. The French President himself was unavailable for comment as of press time, as he was reportedly involved in a snail-eating contest. However, rumors abounded that he was working on a surrender speech in the event of a future Franco-American war.
"Those Communists who remain in the United States do so at great risk" a statement from the FBI read. "Their Un-American actions will not be tolerated and they will be punished severely". The ominous statement from the agency coincided with the mysterious dissapearances of Communist sympathizers like Jane Fonda and the Dixie Chicks, to the sheer delight of many. Michael Moore was still a free man at press time, reportedly due to pressure from several major fast-food chains.
In response to these events, the Russian Federation put its nuclear arsenal on high alert, or at least "whatever hasn't been lost or sold on the black market", one Russian observer noted. More global reaction is expected shortly.
- Kosta
hk_newbie said...
My Predictions:
1. Russia, China, and Cuba will gang-bang America.
2. Bush will reveal his mech-suit at the last possible moment and start laying the smack down on the chinese.
3. Kim Jong il will take advantage of this opportunity to release his breakthrough album "Why don't anyone be lovin' me".
4. Canada will pick up the pieces and make that guy from the "Daily Show" president.
5. Doc will somehow get his hands on a few tactical nukes during the reshuffling of powers and be named one of the world's strongest, and smallest, countries.
Good show, Kosta.
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