It is with a solemn and wistful heart I bring you this news. If you haven't already heard, Pat Morita, or "Mr. Miyagi" as we would probably all better know him, died at 73 years of age on Thanksgiving day. Pat Morita and the "Karate Kid" movies hold a particularly fond spot in my heart as he was one of the sole people responsible for my love of the martial arts and Asian things in general (along with the TMNT and those god-awful "American Ninja" movies my brothers would always rent). But also, if you think about it, Morita was sort of a pioneer for Asians in cinema. Even today, there are very few people of Eastern decent featured on the screen. And those that are are usually relegated to the "Ancient Kung-Fu Master" role. However, if you look back you'll see that Morita was also on the "Happy Days" TV show playing the part of the Diner Owner for a year. A part that even today speaks a lot for Asians acquiring more than just stereotypical roles. He also apparently had a short run as a stand-up comic back in his earlier days which is news to most of us. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go practice my Crane Stance.






-RaiNny

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Ok, so I sort of forgot about those little parts in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids!" where Rick Moranis' character blows up his test subjects several times before he stumbles upon the proper modifications to make the shrinking ray function correctly. As a result, the organs of the original crew are now serving as feed for my endangered condor collection. So it seems the first attempt was met with mixed results. On one hand, I obliterated perhaps the finest specimens of Klingon, Ching-Chongese, and United Arab Emirates...ese...ian...ish.........Dutch civilization! On the other hand, three of the most annoying entities in the universe met a most gruesome demise so it was not a complete loss. Despite this minor setback we must continue forth with the mission. "What about the crew?" you might say. To this I respond with the following.





My dog in a gangsta hat! Awwww, isn't he just the cutest little Shmoopy McShmooperson??? Yes you are my Shmoopy!!! Give Daddy a kiss!

This time I was sure that the shrinking ray was functioning properly and the mission was a shining success smattered with only a meager amount of dog poop. The feces were not particularly stinky either. Here's what the canine conducted excavation of the insurmountable black hole that is my tummy reported.

Whoopi Goldberg's Career: Zing!!!



















A Signed Rob Dibble Baseball Card: According to Baseball-Reference.com the former Cincinnati Reds All-Star hurler is "World Champion of the World" and "is now the world's best sports talk radio personality. Rex/Ron/Rob has the 7th and 9th best single season K per 9 inn. ratios ever. Light up a "heater" and toss back a Heineken to a real character." Whatever that means...probably means he's gay...or a communist...or a combination of the two.











Newbie's Latent Homosexuality (Your Standard Newbie is Gay Because He's Gay Internet Joke): Newbie is gay and possibly a little Jewish.














7 Unopened Cases of "Battleship Solitaire": Damn it!...I mean, Yes! I sunk my Battleship...errr wait...













My Ace of Base CD: I was really excited to have found this. Unfortunately when I opened it I was astonished to find, instead of my favorite Gay-Club anthem quartet, a copy of Spin Doctors' debut album "Pocket Full of Kryptonite" with a note attached to it reading "Haha penis-mouth. Pwned!!! -Love, RaiNny (that's you noob, LOL)"









Pretty neat huh? No? Yeah, I guess you're right.

-RaiNny

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Originally, I was going to make a thank you list (mind you it was going to be a sarcastic thank you list) but I simply do not have the energy to do that (and I think that's justified since it IS nearly 4 AM).

So here's a short hate list:

1. People who write without the "g" in their present continuous verbs. For example, I love jammin and smokin and hangin out with my friends.

2. People who speak without the "g" in their present continious verbs. (Say the example sentence from #1 out loud to yourself and then smack yourself for tAlKiN like that.)

3. Internet "writers" who can't spell anything. SPELL CHECK. Also, please get your homophones right. (There's a difference between shear and sheer. Thanks.) If it's because you were rushing, then don't publish it until you've checked your work. You'll just sound like an idiot. But you probably sound like an idiot anyway because you're writing about druids and people who are clairvoyant and have purple-red eyes. (Shut up, don't mention my D&D character.) I'm not perfect which is why I do reread things that I want to post publicly. In fact, I'll probably find one or two things wrong with this entry before I post it. This peeve is probably one of the reasons I hardly ever write anything anywhere.

4. People who laugh like children. There's nothing more chilling than someone over 25 gurgling like a baby. Enough said.

5. Hippies. I encounter many hippies because sociology is a hippie magnet. These hippies "wow" the rest of the class with their selective and outdated hippie information while the professor tells them they're wrong and shut up. Said hippies may sometimes preface their comments in class with the phrases "I may be wrong..." and "Tell me if I'm getting too philosophical..." YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG AND ALWAYS TOO PHILOSOPHICAL. Wipe that self satisfied look off your face, hippie.

6. Most of the people that live in my residence hall. This is for a different post.

Hm. Well, I guess that's it for now. Just a few things that bugged me. I'm probably not really even this angry. Anger paints a terrible portrait.

On a completely different topic, I love ants. Ants have now risen to the top of my "Cool Animals" list along with moose and crocodiles. I think ants might be number 1.
Don't hold your breath but there may be more updates coming soon. With less bitching and more...well, more of something else.

-Calamity Jane

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I've figured out where i am.

It took a little while to place the how and why, but here it is: Hell. Not the physical location you baboon, Albuquerque is actually a quite nice locale, but the situation an sich point toward one inevitable conclusion. I am stuck in an elegantly designed dimension of torment and high gas prices. I can live with the torment, because that is an inescapable notch in the con column of the human condition; the high gas prices I could do without...

Other "events" have led me to this conclusion. Take the 8 ball I purchased recently from a traveling gypsy outside of my apartment one day:



Yep. That's depressing alright. Thank you Katrineski Romanoski (if that is your real name), for the wonderful fucking demonic merchanise. ...vodka drinking bitch.

That's not it, though! Oh, no no no no no. If you thought that was it, then you thought WRONG!!!!!

There's my left hand. I can't feel it anymore. Well, the two fingers farthest away from my thumb anyhow. About 2 weeks ago, they went numb, and today they started spazing out. Sometime during the night, they drew on themselves. Probably with the assistance of my copious amounts of arm hair...which I never trusted from day one, just for the record.



Seriously Folks, this is no joke. I am stuck in hell. Not Karmic hell, not the good 'ol "C of E" or "C of I" hell either. This is a full blown case of, as a good friend of mine used to say "the screaming existential-shit fits".

Okay, maybe no one i know says something like that, but I wish they had because they'd be pretty bad-ass and deserving of being known by me.


(Also, someone poured a bottle of milk on my car a while ago because she hated me (long story), and i never cleaned it off, and it stank for like a month. I returned it to the rental place not too long ago, and they all gave me this weird look for bringing back a car covered in curlded milk. Like it was my idea to give the car a lactose-based paintjob or something. Assholes.)

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I had heard much of the man known simply as "Johnthe69er" but had not had any experience with the lad, so naturally I jumped at the opportunity to chat him up and get a glimpse of just how fucking out of his mind he really is. Behold!

Tino the 96er (8:15:54 PM): yo sup
Jonthe69er (8:16:12 PM): who is this
Tino the 96er (8:16:20 PM): I was hoping you could tell me
Tino the 96er (8:16:28 PM): for once I was lost
Tino the 96er (8:16:30 PM): and now am found
Tino the 96er (8:17:03 PM): I saw your screen name and wanted to say, Hello
Jonthe69er (8:17:07 PM): ok
Jonthe69er (8:17:10 PM): where
Tino the 96er (8:17:11 PM): because really it feels like I've known you forever
Jonthe69er (8:17:18 PM): o-k
Tino the 96er (8:17:27 PM): where?
Tino the 96er (8:17:31 PM): in your heart perhaps
Tino the 96er (8:17:32 PM): in your mind
Tino the 96er (8:17:34 PM): in your soul
Tino the 96er (8:17:37 PM): you tell me jonny
Jonthe69er (8:17:47 PM): is dis darshani
Tino the 96er (8:18:03 PM): who is darshani?
Jonthe69er (8:18:11 PM): my god
Tino the 96er (8:18:17 PM): there is no God
Jonthe69er (8:18:26 PM): yes there is
Tino the 96er (8:18:39 PM): uh, no
Tino the 96er (8:18:40 PM): I am God
Tino the 96er (8:18:53 PM): love is our God
Jonthe69er (8:19:17 PM): you are not god but i love god
Tino the 96er (8:19:51 PM): what if I told you God didn't love you back?
Jonthe69er (8:20:09 PM): he does love me
Tino the 96er (8:20:18 PM): how do you know?
Jonthe69er (8:20:31 PM): where the heck did u get the tino the 96er
Tino the 96er (8:20:32 PM): I can make pretend Natalie Portman loves me too
Tino the 96er (8:20:35 PM): just because I say so
Jonthe69er (8:20:45 PM): no
Tino the 96er (8:20:51 PM): tino the 96er?
Jonthe69er (8:20:52 PM): is dis a boy
Tino the 96er (8:21:03 PM): who is dis?
Tino the 96er (8:21:09 PM): I do not understand
Jonthe69er (8:21:18 PM): why should i tell you
Tino the 96er (8:21:22 PM): dis?
Tino the 96er (8:21:26 PM): do you mean this?
Jonthe69er (8:21:28 PM): are you in ms137
Jonthe69er (8:21:42 PM): im getting confused
Tino the 96er (8:21:54 PM): I am not but perhaps your school is named for me
Tino the 96er (8:21:56 PM): for I am a Hero
Tino the 96er (8:22:16 PM): in my own mind
Jonthe69er (8:22:26 PM): ok so u do go to the school
Tino the 96er (8:22:29 PM): I think Jonny that me and you should be friends
Tino the 96er (8:22:49 PM): stop asking questions which have no bearing on this conversation
Jonthe69er (8:22:55 PM): not until u tell me your NAME
Jonthe69er (8:23:02 PM): ok
Tino the 96er (8:23:07 PM): well Jonny
Tino the 96er (8:23:14 PM): it wouldn't take much of a stretch to figure that one out
Jonthe69er (8:23:23 PM): ok
Tino the 96er (8:23:25 PM): my name is Ezekiel
Jonthe69er (8:23:40 PM): WHAT THE FUCK
Jonthe69er (8:23:59 PM): :-X
Tino the 96er (8:24:02 PM): why are you so shocked?
Jonthe69er (8:24:25 PM): that is a fucking pussy ass name
Tino the 96er (8:25:55 PM): what if I told you I eat babies and shit lightning?
Jonthe69er (8:26:04 PM): lo0l
Jonthe69er (8:26:29 PM): That is stupid
Tino the 96er (8:26:55 PM): hey look at me my name is jonny
Tino the 96er (8:26:59 PM): blakc and red?
Tino the 96er (8:27:04 PM): looks to me like the colors of SATAN
Jonthe69er (8:27:11 PM): no
Jonthe69er (8:27:31 PM): looks to me like the colors of SATAN
Tino the 96er (8:27:47 PM): is there an echo here jonny?
Jonthe69er (8:27:48 PM): Tino the 96er (8:26:59 PM):
Jonthe69er (8:27:55 PM): yeah
Jonthe69er (8:27:58 PM): tino
Tino the 96er (8:27:59 PM): me and you are more alike than you think
Jonthe69er (8:28:10 PM): ok
Jonthe69er (8:28:13 PM): tino
Jonthe69er (8:28:14 PM): tino
Jonthe69er (8:28:16 PM): tino
Jonthe69er (8:28:17 PM): tino
Jonthe69er (8:28:20 PM): tin o
Tino the 96er (8:28:21 PM): yes
Jonthe69er (8:28:23 PM): ok
Jonthe69er (8:28:27 PM): manwhore
Tino the 96er (8:28:35 PM): nope
Jonthe69er (8:28:35 PM): are u
Jonthe69er (8:28:41 PM): butch
Jonthe69er (8:28:44 PM): slut
Jonthe69er (8:28:46 PM): ho
Tino the 96er (8:28:54 PM): tino is the name of a yankee first baseman
Tino the 96er (8:28:58 PM): but thank you
Jonthe69er (8:29:02 PM): ok
Jonthe69er (8:29:07 PM): goog for u
Tino the 96er (8:29:08 PM): Jonny
Tino the 96er (8:29:12 PM): I too can say random things
Tino the 96er (8:29:22 PM): butch
Tino the 96er (8:29:22 PM): slut
Tino the 96er (8:29:24 PM): ho
Tino the 96er (8:29:30 PM): but why?
Tino the 96er (8:29:35 PM): shouldn't you strive for more?
Jonthe69er (8:29:44 PM): dickdickdickdickdickdickdickdickdickdick
Jonthe69er (8:29:48 PM): dickdick
Jonthe69er (8:29:49 PM): dick
Jonthe69er (8:29:51 PM): dick'
Jonthe69er (8:29:53 PM): dick
Jonthe69er (8:29:55 PM): dick
Jonthe69er (8:29:56 PM): dick
Tino the 96er (8:29:56 PM): Jonny
Tino the 96er (8:30:00 PM): you're better than this Jonny
Jonthe69er (8:30:01 PM): you eat is
Jonthe69er (8:30:04 PM): dick
Tino the 96er (8:30:10 PM): don't make me shit lightning at you
Jonthe69er (8:30:19 PM): u put cum in ur mouth
Jonthe69er (8:30:28 PM): and slurp it
Jonthe69er (8:30:31 PM): all day
Jonthe69er (8:30:40 PM): untill you DIE
Tino the 96er (8:30:58 PM): hahaha
Tino the 96er (8:30:59 PM): jonny
Tino the 96er (8:31:07 PM): what if I told you I was an undercover cop
Jonthe69er (8:31:22 PM): i would cry
Jonthe69er (8:31:25 PM): :'(
Tino the 96er (8:31:30 PM): Jonny
Tino the 96er (8:31:40 PM): we need to calm down here
Tino the 96er (8:31:42 PM): there is no need to cry
Jonthe69er (8:31:42 PM): :-X:'(:'(
Jonthe69er (8:31:48 PM): IM SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY
Jonthe69er (8:31:55 PM): WAWA
Tino the 96er (8:32:04 PM): hey look at me i'm jonny lol kewl beans
Tino the 96er (8:32:21 PM): no need to cry
Tino the 96er (8:32:30 PM): you're doing pretty well
Jonthe69er (8:32:30 PM): ok
Tino the 96er (8:32:39 PM): most people get turned off after I tell them the lightning-shitting story
Tino the 96er (8:32:41 PM): but seriously
Tino the 96er (8:32:44 PM): God doesn't exist
Jonthe69er (8:32:45 PM): Stop because im doin my hm
Jonthe69er (8:32:48 PM): ok
Tino the 96er (8:32:49 PM): hm?
Tino the 96er (8:32:54 PM): is that hm for HOMO LOLOLOL
Jonthe69er (8:32:56 PM): u r bothering me
Tino the 96er (8:32:57 PM): OWNED
Jonthe69er (8:33:05 PM): bye
Tino the 96er (8:33:11 PM): no, don't leave me jonny
Tino the 96er (8:33:13 PM): DON'T LEAVE ME
Jonthe69er (8:33:16 PM): my mom is here
Tino the 96er (8:33:24 PM): hi jonny's mom
Jonthe69er (8:33:31 PM): bye
Tino the 96er (8:33:42 PM): hi! ;-)
Jonthe69er (8:33:46 PM): bye
Jonthe69er (8:33:48 PM): bye
Jonthe69er (8:33:50 PM): :-*
Tino the 96er (8:33:52 PM): hi! ;-)
Tino the 96er (8:33:56 PM): hi! ;-)
Jonthe69er (8:33:56 PM): :-*:-*:-*
Tino the 96er (8:33:57 PM): hi! ;-)
Tino the 96er (8:34:32 PM): :'(
Jonthe69er (8:38:00 PM): funnyjunk.com go on this website
Jonthe69er (8:38:23 PM): then on the left click on # 45 and watch it
Tino the 96er (8:38:27 PM): jonny
Jonthe69er (8:38:28 PM): it is funny
Jonthe69er (8:38:30 PM): ok
Tino the 96er (8:38:31 PM): i am aware of funnyjunk
Jonthe69er (8:38:36 PM): dam
Tino the 96er (8:38:44 PM): btw
Jonthe69er (8:38:45 PM): lolfun
Tino the 96er (8:38:48 PM): you can call me Zeke for short
Tino the 96er (8:38:53 PM): i gotta go
Tino the 96er (8:38:55 PM): my mom is here
Tino the 96er (8:38:57 PM): bbl kthxbye
Jonthe69er (8:39:07 PM): hi your mom
Jonthe69er (8:42:22 PM): hi
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from Tino the 96er (8:42:22 PM): I am away from my computer right now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jonthe69er is away at 8:42:43 PM.
Jonthe69er returned at 8:44:16 PM.
Jonthe69er (8:51:19 PM): yo
Jonthe69er (8:51:30 PM): tino
Jonthe69er (8:52:23 PM): what if i say this is a prank and you are really trying to lure me so u can molester me
Jonthe69er (8:53:14 PM): what if i say i will call the cops and get you deported
Jonthe69er signed off at 8:53:21 PM.


There you have it. What more can I say?

- Kosta

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Greetings, friend. It is I, The unassailable, unavoidable, completely annoying, "desert snake" Doc. During my stay out here in the vast (and nuclear irradiated) wasteland of THE DESERT (I cannot pinpoint the location, for my enemies read this blog and identifying this land of solace would only be inviting trouble), i have perfected a multitude of attacks, defenses, and pithy sayings (among other tricks which i currently have stored "under my belt").

The majority of my attacks consist of sneaking up on the victim and shouting "POW! motherfucker, POW!" and then running away like a little girl. I've also been perfecting my SHADOW ATTACK. It sounds like a finishing move from Mortal Kombat, i know, but really all i do is start punching and kicking the air furiously until i've tired myself out. Gking and Chow have seen this attack in action, and they can tell you it is truly impressive to behold.

My defenses have a few new pieces of armor, chief among them being Alcohol (and occasionally the peaceful waking sleep of NyQuil--my lord and savior!) I also know how to run in high-altitude situations, through scathing sand-storms, and around crowds of drunken revelers every friday night in downtown Albuquerque. GASP! I've said too much!

Here's a little story to keep you occupied and force you to forget my approximate location: I went to the bar. There were four cholo-looking dudes with a bad attitude and flannel. Fear the flannel! Flannel is the color of death! Apparently, this one guy thought i was, and I quote "fucking with his girl". I wasn't, rest assured; contact with other people is usually the last thing on my mind when i get my drink on (god, i can't believe i just said that).

I laughed, thinking this fellow was joking. He wasn't. And, understandably, he reacted angrily at my laughing. "I'll fucking kill you, mother fucker, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt." My mental automatic auditory filter kicked in and buzzed out most of what Mr. Angry Flannel killer had to say. I could tell that he was probably going to hurt me, but i had downed enough beers and B52's that I really couldn't care less.

Lucky for me, the bouncer grabbed my new friend and asked him to leave, which he did after first saying "bzzzzzzzt" in varying tones and accompanying hand gestures. I suppose he was going to wait outside for me to leave (2 hours later, it takes me a while to sober up) but he likely forgot his RIGHTEOUS RAGE AND FLANNEL FURIOUSITY in favor of ANOTHER DRINK AT THE NEXT BAR.

I went home, and the next morning I reflected on how close i got to recieving a major ass kicking.


--HK_Newbie

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Greetings, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Kosta and apparently I've been invited to be a contributor to 4MR. Before actually contributing anything of merit, however, I would like to waste everyone's time with a drawn out introduction, so those who are not familiar may better get to know me as "the asshole with the drawn out introduction".

For those who are not aware, I am RaiNny's roommate at Stony Brook. I have indirectly contributed to this site in the past, helping RaiNny locate a suitable Hentai-beast for one of his past articles. I guess you could say I've been the go-to guy when it comes to downloading and searching Hentai for ridiculous screenshots and video clips - whether or not that's something to be proud of is another story. I also have my own website that I have written for over three years now, for what it's worth.

I will say I was somewhat surprised at RaiNny's invitation to join the crew, if only because it was out of the norm. As you can see in this pie chart (which I put together with my awesome Excel skills) our conversations usually don't involve much depth:

Somewhere in that two percent RaiNny offered me the opportunity for write articles for 4MR, an opportunity I took.

With all of that said, let me tell you something about myself. I'm going to use lots of pictures in doing this, because pictures require less thinking than words. Like most good red-blooded American boys, I have a variety of interests, including:

I only listed the last item because I derive great joy out of imagining myself kicking Ann Coulter in the face. Repeatedly.

RaiNny would also have you think I spend 23423452345 hours a week on fantasy sports. That is completely untrue. I only spend 1853234 hours a week on fantasy sports. The rest of my time is spent watching real sports and sleeping.

While I'm on the subject of using pictures to aid the verbally-deficient, I'm going to give a demonstration of the cutting-edge humor I hope to bring to this site. Behold:

LOL OWNED!

Just kidding. I'll be writing on whatever comes to mind from time to time, but no sports. No, none of that. Not even an odd Chris Sabo reference. Most people wouldn't get it anyway. Besides, if I start talking about sports there's always a chance that in 15 minutes I'll become a shaking, rambling mess who can't stop screaming at Kenny Rogers to throw a damn strike, PLEASE THROW A STRIKE, DON'T WALK ANDRUW JONES, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I also don't have a girlfriend.

In conclusion, I am looking forward to contributing here in the future. It should be a lot of fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some fantasy football teams to take care of.

- Kosta

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