The Definitive Loser Newsletter
For Losers, By Losers
A Word From the Editor
--Hello, fellow Losers, and welcome to your first issue of the bi-weekly Loser Newsletter. This will, I hope, become your first and only source for the most up-to-date, depressingly loserish news…and letters; hence the name, Newsletter. Let’s move on to what I hope will become a standby opening for each new issue of our highly professional and marketable newsletter: the (drumroll please) LOSER OF THE WEEK.
The Loser of The Week
--Our loser this week is a very special individual who holds a place in all of our hearts. He touched us all in a place that, upon being touched, we feel quite uncomfortable and embarrassed on behalf of said individual. Yes! This person’s embarrassment is so acute, so powerful, that we, the losers of the world, actually FEEL his pain as if it were our own. I speak of no other than: The Star Wars Kid.
The Star Wars Kid, or Ghyslain, as he is known in his strange country of Canada, first appeared on the internet accidentally as some “friends” uploaded his video to a website (we, as professional losers, know that there’s no such thing as friends, and these people were of course enemies masquerading as such) and from there it went on to about a million remixes, parodies, and other forms of finger pointing and laughter.Allow me to describe this video to you: Imagine a fat kid. Okay? Not too fat. Fat enough, though, to ensure no sex or social life, but still maintaining the necessary mobility that results in a hypnotic body jiggling whenever he engages in excess movement-- the sort of jiggling that would need a full-body sports bra to keep contained. Put a broomstick in his hands and tell him it’s a light saber. Now pump him full of methamphetamines and videotape him spin around like an obese dervish with delusions of Jedi-hood. To add insult to injury, make him a Canadian, and you, my fellow loser, have created the ULTIMATE LOSER. You can see him here; if you dare.
Tell-Tale Signs of a Fellow Loser
--Generally, we can tell each other from the “normals” with just a cursory glance. The smell; the look; the poor table manners; all these aspects and more go into making a true loser stand out from the crowd. But what is a loser to do when his fellow has successfully hidden his or her true nature through duplicitous means? How can we tell, for sure, that Mary or Joe-Bob is a perfect example of the quintessential average American citizen, or a crypto-member of a subculture that will, one day, rule the world with an iron-fist? Easy! You just use my handy-dandy list and check off as you go!
1. Pay an attractive member of the opposite sex to talk to the potential “L”. If he (for simplicity’s sake, lets allow “L” to equal a man) begins sweating profusely and stammering, or, forsaking all the usual embarrassing precursors, jumps headfirst out of the closest means of egress (i.e. window or door), chances are he is a crypto-“L”. If, however, he engages in friendly conversation in a way that suggests prior interaction with attractive females, then chances are good this subject is not one of our kind and should be avoided.
2. Walk past the potential “L” wearing a loser-related T-shirt. Odd video game referential T-shirts work particularly well. Pay close attention to the subject’s eyes as they peruse the text and context of the shirt. If you detect even a glimmer of recognition, or the individual’s thumb twitches convulsively, you have broken through the mask and revealed a true loser. If he gives you a strange look, insults you, or otherwise kicks your ass for blocking his view of the surrounding non-losers, then he probably never picked up a joystick in his life. Proceed to slash the tires of his car, and write “Wizard Needs Food” in red paint on his hood. Let him figure THAT one out!
3. Place a sign using poor grammar along the possible “L’s” path. Something like “Kittinz 4 sale---Cheep!” and watch as he shudders in disgust. As we know, all losers revel in the use of proper grammar and syntax, and any straying from that path would result in a world of unbearable pain and teenie-bopper AIM speak(OMG, Like WTF, he totally fucked her, LOLZ@!!!). If, however, he says something like “Oh, Kittens” and continues down his path to normalcy, then, obviously, he won’t want to trade DVD rips with you.
If you attempt these three methods, I can personally guarantee that you will determine, one way or the other, the orientation of the potential “L”.
Loser Quotations
--What follows is a recent list of overheard loser quotes. They are fairly typical of losers, and may seem somewhat repetitive given their nature:
“Why doesn’t anyone ever email me??!” (there are variations of this, e.g. “why didn’t anyone call me last night” or the ever so famous “I have a million friends on my AIM list and all of them ignore me!”)
“Did you pee on me?” (Losers typically get drunk in groups, it enables conversations to reach a plateau very rarely attained…unfortunately it also leads to weird situations best attributed to the aftereffects of binge drinking than on anything else.)
“I shave my pubic hair” (At this moment everyone stares at the speaker for an entire minute, considering the topic at hand was the best (or most lucid) story penned by Faulkner. Losers often, given their poor social skills, attempt to “break the ice” through witty bon-mots. More often than not, the joke goes south, and turns into something frighteningly bizarre; and, like alcohol-related memories, are best forgotten.)
“The Matrix sequels rocked!” (Losers, unfortunately, are unable or unwilling to admit that some of the objects in their canon of loserdom are unequivocal and utter crap. The “Star Wars” and “Matrix” movies being chief among those artifacts that would serve the population of losers better as paperweights or Frisbees (if losers played such sports, which they don’t.))
--HK_Newbie
hk_newbie said...
"That's if they make it to the end without dying."
Or if they keep stealing my lives in Contra: The Alien Wars.