Judging from Rainny's last post, his new coif has brought him all sorts of new potential intersections with females of the sort, hitherto, he found unattracted by his hentai-tentacle-like former hair style. It really should go without saying (or in this case, typing) that the only one for Rainny is Calamity...especially a Calamity Jane with improved aiming ability and the wherewithal to acquire a "long-range paintbrush" like gking's.

With that out of the way, I'll slowly delve into the topic at hand--which, as always, is me. Or more particularly, on the ways to improve upon myself (i.e. PER-freaking-FECTION). This need not be a physical improvement either, areas of study are important too. From my end, I was thinking a cyborgized, paralytic-needle shooting penis for those "oh shit! why did I agree to this?!" moments, a brand-spanking new ninja mask (my old one was burned by the acid of a 100-armed, acid-spitting kraken that I killed somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic in an attempt to locate my misparked Cavalier. I eventually located the vehicle somewhere on spring-garden street. Of course, during the previously mentioned duel to the death, I misplaced my keys and ending up spending my night on someone's floor anyhow), and a new language skill...I was thinking Klingon perhaps. That would surely impress all the hot star-trek babes. Right?

I would also like to add some new items to my wardrobe. Here's the first:


An Electrical Safety Vest.

Notice the arcing electrical current, and kick-ass, protective gloves. Nothing says, "you can look ladies, but you can't touch" like thousands of volts of hair-searing, negatively charged ions, just looking for the fastest route to the ground. And as we all know, women want that which they cannot have. All I have to do is switch off the vest and voila: instant rain shower (Rain=Poon).






My Second wardrobe-enhancer:
The Dr. Doom mask

Now, some of you might cringe at the thought of me hiding my visage behind a steel/adamantine mask, but I reply (before severing one of your arteries at daring to cringe at one of my ideas) "what better way to guard my face against ruin than a hermetically sealed environment?". Once I have brought my prey...er, lucky lady(ies), to an agreed upon place that isn't my parent's basement, I will then remove my mask and revel in the squeals of her (or theirs, depending on the amount) visually-induced orgasmic delight. Did I spell "squeal" correctly?


Wow. That took alot out of me. I'm gonna go listen to 10,000 days until my ears bleed. Good night!


--HK_Newbie

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Well, it's finally happened. The monument to monogamous relationships that was Calamity and RaiNny is no more. In true RaiNny's girlfriend fashion, JANE's nervosa reached a critical point last night after I took one of those undeniably scientific online quizzes that matches you up with a compatible celebrity love based upon such notable queries as "For breakfast you are most likely to have: A) Coffee B) Orange Juice or Milk or C) Alcohol". Clearly, all other dating services should take note. Because the future of compatibility surveys is now in question with these new and ground-breaking techniques. Anyways, much to Calamity's chagrin, I somehow managed to get the one woman that fuels her furnace of unsubstantiated paranoia the most. Natalie Fucking Portman. I must say I was quite surprised when she appeared before us in all her pixelated glory. I began laughing uncontrollably at the sheer coincidence of it all. JANE, however did not. At that very moment something inside her snapped. Quickly she lunged at my eyes in an attempt to remove my valuable organs wailing like a banshee. "You fucked her didn't you!?! You son of a bitch! I will make you pay for your insolence!!!"

I didn't bother trying to reason with her. Because I know the bitches are KaRaZy when they get like this! Instead, after years of this usual reaction I have been able to hone my bitch deflecting skills to a razor's edge. I simply gave her a swift kick to the jugular and threw her out of my dorm room window. She immediately righted herself and ran off into the darkness like a wild ocelot.

Suffice it to say, our relationship is over. Not like I was surprised or anything. Nor do I really care, after all this time I've developed quite a thick skin for this kind of thing. And I've told her a million times that if she wants to be crazy that's fine. Just don't expect me to take it. And with a haircut like this, I've got bitches lined up around the block just to get a glimpse of my heavenly visage.

It's clear though, I must be more careful from now on. I'm not going to leave things up to chance anymore. I must be more...scientific like those online quizzes! Yes, that's it! I know, I'll write another computer program to help me! I can combine it with some of the algorithms from those online quizzes and my own personal genius to create the ultimate in Compatibility Tests! Fear me Dr. Niel Clark Warren!!!

Contrary to the other methods that rely on narrow viewed questions with only a few possible answers, my program allows you to make certain specifications for your mate. This allows for the most freedom and accuracy. Ok, here we go.

She should be the perfect melange of sex, fun, and intellect. Able to kick ass like a samurai but love like a siren. An excellent cook and great at washing the dishes too! What else? Oh, she's gotta love D&D AND GUNS! Video games too! Yeah, this is great! What am I missing...now, I remember. The most important attribute of all. She must LOVE ANAL SEX.

Ok, now all I have to do is hit return and the computer should come back with a result.







Oh no...what...what have I done? I think I'm going to be sick.



JANE, wait!!! Come back!!! I'm sorry I'll do anything for you!!!

-RaiNny

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I'm not sure if you all are aware of the debate circulating in the most elucidated of academic circles; the debate that has the greatest minds of our time struggling with the very fabric of reality in order to attain that precious truth; the question for all ages: What is the most awesome creature ever to walk the face of the Earth? Ninja or Samurai?

At times, people have tried to interject other so-called "awesome creatures" into the mix. Dinosaurs were contemplated for a time--- then I reminded everyone that dinosaur bones were actually planted by God to test our faith in Him (Yea Verily, Ad Majorium Glorium Deus,Clatu Veratu Nictu, blah, blah, blah) and thus could not be considered for the title of "Most awesome creature ever to walk the face of the Earth" as they never truly existed.

Occasionally, one group would claim victory over another; hoping that if enough people believed the false claims, they would turn into a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Kind of like that dude from Iraq that kept saying the US army hadn't yet penetrated into Bagdad and that Iraq's victory was imminent, even though statues were toppling to the ground behind him, and US soldiers were putting holes into everything that moved.

Moving on, during my sojourns into the annals of history (that sounds kinda sexual, doesn't it) I stumbled upon the great William Blake's personal journals and discovered a terrifying secret: William Blake was a ninja. My evidence? This poem, his first draft of "The Tyger"




The Tyger (First Draft)
By: William "Night Wind of Fearsome Cutting" Blake

NINJA

Ninja, ninja, burning bright
in the steel and concrete city of the night
what completely awesome hand and eye
framed thy bad-ass symmetry?
and what the shuriken and what the blade
and what the mask and what the babes
did he who made the samurai make thee?
and did he smile to see
what a thing he did make?




As you can clearly see, ninja's, from time immemorial, have always been recognized as the most bad-ass, and completely awesome creatures ever to pimp-roll their way from one side of the globe to the other, and to think any differently is pure brain-melting stupidity. I rest my case, QED, Ipso Facto, A priori, blah blah blah. I win.

--HK_Newbie

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