After receiving such a positive response to my first "Guide" I have decided to yet again grace your filthy presences with my unequalled literary genius. But while my first guide dealt with the rather limited range of a collegiate dormitory experience, my newest addition will have a much larger scope in mind.We all know how to deal with the inane gibberings of the average person. Their conversations usually being limited to what club they're going to this weekend and complaining about how hard Chemistry 100 is even though it's the third time they're taking it, they have no reason to talk to us as long as we don't bother them. But being the rather sexy and awesome specimens that we are (by "we" I mean "me" and not the rest of you, especially Newbie and Salvagebar) we are particularly vulnerable to the very lowest dredges of society. It is a disease we have affectionately dubbed as "crazy person flypaper disease". We've all felt its effects before. It occurs quickly and without warning. You can be anywhere. On the street, in a movie theater, the mall, or a classroom. No structure can provide adequate sanctuary from these people. The onset and symptoms are more standardized however. With even the slightest of recognition (or sometimes even none at all) they will strike. Often just making passing eye contact is enough to signal that quiet whisper in your cerebrum. "Fuck" you say in your head. You know at that moment, this is going to suck. And without a moment to spare, they're upon you.
Unfortunately, I have not yet found an easy cure-all for the disorder we are afflicted with. Instead I have done my best to catalogue the findings I have made concerning the various species we have encountered. Perhaps those that follow us can make good use of my research and provide future generations with a vaccine to this crippling infection.
Utilizing the incredible powers of my Compaq Presario's 700MHz Celeron processor with 8Mbs of integrated video memory, that I got out of NASA's dumpster, I have created a couple of algorithms to compute. The first is the probability of whether or not the person will become a "cat person" in their old age, and begin hoarding mangy felines until their home becomes so overtaken with poop and/or rabies that we get to see them on one of those "Animal Cops" shows and the guy in the episode is all like "That's probably the worst thing I've seen in 12 years on the job." and the person is like "Wahhhh, don't take my babies!!!" and I'm all like "I could really go for a cheese sandwich right about now." Secondly, I have always wondered what O-Sensei would do if he were locked in a room with one of these specimens. Would he totally rethink his ideas on a world harmony? Or would he simply laugh and shrug off all the crazy? Well now we can find out!
The Hippy:
The Hippy can be easily identified by his retarded sense of style in which nearly everything he owns has some sort of frayed end on it or looks like something you'd buy at an Indian casino gift shop. Lots of times they can also be seen carrying one of those incredibly existential long boards, because suddenly it's easier to carry a wooden object the size of the bearer into every classroom, rather than walk 1/15 of a mile. Oh yeah, and sandals or flip flops are a must. Socially, they are usually at their worst when they think that they might have even the smallest shred of a common interest with you. You should probably never wear anything that bears the slightest sense of "free thought". Like Tool shirts, these are very bad and could get you into a lot of trouble. In fact, you should probably stop listening to music all together because hippies love music and will consistently badger you about shitty bands they like and concerts they've been to. If you find yourself in an unavoidable encounter with a hippy you should probably mention as quickly as possible that you "don't really like music". This will probably confuse and frighten him so much that he'll probably leave you alone from then on.
Probability of becoming a cat person: Low, as owning pets is a crime against the Earth.
WWOD: Change the name of irimi nage (entering throw) to hippy gaeshi (hippy counter).
The Otaku:Unfortunately for us, the Otakus share a very strong common interest with the cohorts of the 4MR. Namely, in our affinity for the Japanese culture. Though where our fondness is only for awesome stuff (martial arts, Beat Takeshi and Akira Kurosawa, crying virgins, sake, and non-shitty anime). The Otaku loves everything BUT the cool stuff. In particular, they will only watch the most inexplicably retarded programs where the only plotline seems to be "We're ninjas in the woods, let's fight!" Their appearance can vary from "skinny with a stupid hat" all the way to "fat with a stupid hat". Recently though, the Indiana Jones style accessory that is so popular among them has begun to lose favor to the "Naruto Headband". I actually had the misfortune of an Otaku showing up to one of my Aikido classes with one of these on. I was instantly pissed and almost destroyed him immediately.
Probability of becoming a cat person: Variable depending on obesity level.
WWOD: Lie and say he's Micronesian.
The Nerd-Fag:
An acquaintance of mine wrote the first synopsis on Nerd-Fag behavior. He described them as the type of person that "...after a teacher says "See you tomorrow class." on a Friday afternoon would raise his hand and proclaim "Don't you mean Monday!" and grin with satisfaction of his own wit..." Additionally, the Nerd-Fag is the same person who goes out of his way to argue with the Professor every chance they get. It's not enough that he's paying thousands of dollars to learn, he also wants to teach the class apparently. They are not strictly limited to their own sub-class however. Elements of the Nerd-Fag can be found in every genre of study. One particular species I have much interaction with is that of the Scientific Nerd-Fag. This variety often takes immense pride in their own genius. Sometimes going so far as arguing with the great postulates of Newton and Einstein. Apparently thousands of scientists missed something this guy figured out five minutes into the lecture. Once I even witnessed one derive his own equation of the universe! The professor simply stated "No, you can't do that. That's wrong." and told him to sit down. It was one of the most glorious moments of my life and I think about it almost every day.
Probability of becoming a cat person: Medium. Depends on whether or not they meet another Nerd-Fag willing to marry them.
WWOD: Talk with them for a few minutes before blinking out of existence after they disprove the second law of thermodynamics (again).
Mara Linda Yu:
This is the most heinous of all social cretins. Luckily, there is only one Mara Linda Yu in existence at a time, much like the great Tarrasque. Similarly, her terror knows no bounds. Unfortunately for myself, Calamity, and Kosta, she happens to inhabit the same environment we do and are constantly in fear for our very lives. Her presence is so overwhelmingly obnoxious that I've actually witnessed Nerd-Fags running from her screaming "No, please leave me alone!" Her exploits include but are not limited to: singing loudly in public, screaming in the library because the printer doesn't work, throwing a nazi salute in the middle of the cafeteria while proclaiming "Asians are the master race!", and telling everyone her life story...everytime you meet her. If you have the misfortune of actually having to interact with the vile beast consider your life to be forever changed for the worse. You will spend the rest of your days in fear because there is absolutely nothing you can do to defend yourself from the mightiest of social scourges.
Probability of becoming a cat person: High. Pity the cats.
WWOD: Self-immolate.
-RaiNny
hk_newbie said...
Damn Rainny. This is priceless comedic gold and should be bottled up and sold to those without a sense of humor (i.e. majority of middle eastern islamic jihadists, moromons, and televangilists).
I hate you for being-- for a brief, glorious moment-- funnier than I. Enjoy it while you can. Enjoy it.
P.S. Self-immolate is always an option I consider when forced to interact with the psychos mentioned above.
calamityJANE said...
said...
Oh wow, that Mara chick goes to Stony Brook, right? I think I was in Microbiology with her. My friend and I would always sit close enough to her to hear her isanity but not close enough that we could accidently get sucked in.
Mara Linda Yu said...
Some things you may wanna know about me
1. I was diagnosed with autism in 3rd grade. From then on, I was in special ed.
2. Only squirrels like me, b/c real people find me repulsive
3. I get wasted oftenly, although I claim not to drink alcohol
4. I'm about to get laid; this happens often
5. In Stonybrook, I claim to have 3.8 GPA, but in reality I'm not even on the dean's list
6. I claim to be taking 27 credits per semester, but last semester I wasn't even full time. I took only 6 credits.
7. In Francis Lewis HS, I had pink hair, and
all the kids said I was weird and nobody wanted to talk to me except some Japanese
girl called Yoko. I cried all day over there.
Mara Linda Yu said...
Some things you may wanna know about me
1. I was diagnosed with autism in 3rd grade. From then on, I was in special ed.
2. Only squirrels like me, b/c real people find me repulsive
3. I get wasted oftenly, although I claim not to drink alcohol
4. I'm about to get laid; this happens often
5. In Stonybrook, I claim to have 3.8 GPA, but in reality I'm not even on the dean's list
6. I claim to be taking 27 credits per semester, but last semester I wasn't even full time. I took only 6 credits.
7. In Francis Lewis HS, I had pink hair, and
all the kids said I was weird and nobody wanted to talk to me except some Japanese
girl called Yoko, and a silly girl Linda. I cried all day over there.