Gaze in wonder children, upon one of the greatest inventions ever to come down our way since , well, since the vasectomy (but far less invasive).
THE SPRAY ON CONDOM!!!
Is it not beautiful? This little doo-dad actually VULCANIZES your
baby-makin'-device with a latex spray and pretty much eliminates any chances for reproduction or disease-transference.
Sure, you could just bust out a regular, old, boring condom; tear the packaging in the heat of the moment; figure out which side has the lube and which side doesn't and then take it off anyway because the damn thing isn't large enough for your
MASSIVE MEMBER (I have this problem all the time) or you could be a total, technologically-savvy bad-ass and stuff your
junk into what amounts to a portable shrink-wrapping device with racing decals and refillable cartridges. It's basically one-size-fits-all too, so you're guaranteed a perfect fit each time.
Recommended ages are 18 to 40 (Cause old person sex is gross and hopefully doesn't exist).
Penis.
--HK_Newbie
I drove to Alabama a few days ago. I left around midnight, and drove for 14 FUCKING hours straight through the most god-forsaken wasteland imaginable (on the eastern and central timezones, that is) only to arrive in a terrifying land of gigantic phallic objects reaching toward the sky.
Kids, It's not all rocket ships either. It seemed like around every curve, there was a gigantic cross-like structure (i say cross-like because to make a cross so insanely large that its original signifying purpose-- hanging people-- becomes impossible, it then enters the realm of caricature and "likeness". It becomes absurd, and possibly indicative of some personal shortcoming of the people or peoples who originally requisitioned its construction--that is to say, similar to those guys with a massive spoiler on their mom's Honda, these people have small penises. Even the women.
Especially the women.
My case in point:
And example number the second:
It was not all bad, though. I did have some fun, albeit drunken fun, and pretty much everything is fun when one is drunk. We went to a strip joint, where I learned that strippers' breasts must have little pastie thingies covering the nipples, cause they (the nipples) are an insult to His heavenly sight.
It is, however, alright for the strippers to touch you in all sorts of wonderful places and for you to touch them back--SO LONG AS YOU ARE IN A ROOM WITH A CURTAIN. 'cause, you know, God can't see what happens behind closed curtains.
The most terrifying thing of all: They know when I sleep.
--HK_Newbie
since i now have access, here is the entry i wanted to post!
still the same old jane...how? because this entry is about poop.
but not just any ordinary poop entry. it's the "jane VS salt water flush" entry.
so, this is what happened. i've not been pooping very well lately. which is anxiety producing to me because i feel bloated!!! and when i compare myself to ryan, who poops pretty much at the same time every day, i feel like a freak!
well, my uncle has this herbal laxative tea (p.s. i moved into my uncle's house) so i tried that. nothing. not even a GI cramp.
and then i was all gassy for a day. still nothing! IT WAS NOT THE ONIONS, RYAN. or the brocolli for that matter.
so i was reading this thing about salt water flushes. and i was completely skeptical about it. apparently, what it does is literally flush out your system. by adding salt to the water you are trying to match the specific gravity of blood (which i know all about!). since it's as dense as your blood, i guess it sort of pushes everything in your guts out. PSH, who the hell drinks salt water if they can help it? gross. everybody knows it makes you crazy!
however, curiousity killed the cat this morning. since i had a free day (TO STUDY FOR MY PHARMACOLGY EXAM) and i spent almost an hour and a half of it waiting for poop- i tried everything to move my bowels- i was rubbing my tummy, doing yogic breaths, sitting on the toilet with a chuck palahnuik book...i decided what the hell. let's see how it goes.
so i went downstairs, filled up a cup with water, put TWO TEASPOONS of salt in it (could not find non-iodized sea salt...for sure, i will pay for not following the recipe) and downed it in 10 gulps (i was counting). it was HORRIBLE.
my aunt was still home so i had to pretend i was feeling ohkay because i didn't want to explain myself. after she left, i had to lay down because i was nauseas and my head felt silly. thank goodness she left soon after i gulped the salt water.
i felt better after awhile and there was some movement in my tummy so i decided to do the palahnuik-toilet thing again and then take a shower.
THERE WILL BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION BEYOND THIS POINT.
so i pooped and it was ohkay...barely satisfactory. seriously, i am getting no bulk in my poop. and it doesn't make sense because i've been eating as i normally do. so anyway...
i got in the shower and it feels great! i wanted to stay there forever. but then i started to feel a pressure in my bowels again. damnit! i stopped my shower and pooped!
then i got back in the shower because it was nice.
i finished showering and got dressed. heated up some bread and got some OJ for breakfast. and sat down to study.
BUT THEN I FELT LIKE POOPING AGAIN. and AGAIN. and AGAIN. HOLY CRAP!
only it's not poop...it's like i'm shooting brown water out of my butt!! but it's not diarrhea...i would tell you it was diarrhea if it was...but it wasn't. it was just...stuff.
sometimes i'd only get halfway back to my room before turning around. and now, hopefully, i am done.
it's not really unpleasant because it's not like burny diarrhea or like hard logs of poop...it's just weird because it is serious liquid. thank goodness for the filipino tabo (ta-bo: make sure to make a short sound with the bo...it's the characteristic little hand bucket thing that all filipinos have in their bathroom.) i would say it was just like vomiting out of your butt, which i have to report is not as bad as vomiting out of your mouth. well, no let me clarify that- vomiting out of your mouth is similar to having diarrhea but if you've ever projectile vomited water, it's just like salt water flushing your system. now, i don't know how many of you will understand the concept of projectile vomiting water (which i have also experienced) but that's what it feels like. basically, you don't feel burning and you don't tear up and it doesn't leave any trauma to the evacuating organ (be it your mouth or your butthole).
i am not skeptical of the salt water flush anymore. however, i do not recommend this to you, my friends. there's no reason to try it. i have experienced it for you. if you have any questions, just ask me. i'll tell you about it. if you really want to experience it, make sure to do it BEFORE you eat or drink anything and make sure you have at least 3 hours free. heh, all the things i read about it said to have half an hour to an hour free...yeah right!
Jane: 0
SaltWaterFlush: 1
also, since i think it might be helpful to some people (read: the guys) who read this blog:
How to Fight With a Woman i follow this girl's LJ and she's usually really cool. i guess i have a crush on her.
we need to revive the revolution, people.
-calamityJANE
