Oh my aching head. And back. Thighs. Neck. Islets of langerhans...basically every part of my body is in excruciating pain right now. But that wonderful, dissasociative tension is back in my brain, and thus is my ability to type coherently and manically!

Why, you ask? Because I have found the wonderful wonderful world of ::trumpets blare, drums roll, crows caw, suicide bombers explode:: the OPEN BAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR. Yes, that's right, my fellow livers of life on this rapidly spinning, slowly deteriorating chunck of earth and molten core held tenuously together by gravitational forces that--when you REALLY think about them-- DON'T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE IN AND OF THEMSELVES (an sich). I hate it when that happens...it makes me think that the more people realize this, who don't share in the accepted reality that allows it to continue, will eventually result in a whole world-explody dealie. This sequence of pictures sorta explains it:


1























2













3





Obviously, there's a very complex event scheme behind each image and between each transistion and I'm sure that in the future i'll have enough time and reserves of self-control to take the 5 minutes required to explain this whole shebang and save humanity from cracking open the earth like an uncooked egg (the earth and the egg are both oblong spheroids. Fun fact for the day!). Or I might just have another shot!


Now where was I? Oh yes, ranting.

I've slowly come to the realization that there are two types of people in the world: Tools and Users. It's like the Yin and Yang dualistic world mentality, except with more blood and duplicitous scheming than EVERY Shakespeare play put together and multiplied by a REALLY BIG NUMBER (the preceding capital letters imply importance. Second fun fact of the day!).

For a while, I was able to be "Doc the observer". Then, for a long time, I was "Doc the ubiquitous tool for all". It was--and still is-- pretty cool. It's like being a person, except without having the ability to make any choices; which actually eliminates much of the troubling parts of being a person (i.e. free will, decision making). Parts of my Scope Of Work (SOW) include: "repetitive monkey boy, psychological waste lock, transporter of doom, bringer of meats, sideshow, ultra portable guided missle target, and dependable euncuh (figuratively speaking, of course)."

And here I am now. Certainly not a User by any stretch of the imagination (that just isn't my bag), and slowly metamorphisizing like a modern-day Gregor Samsa into yet another tool (hopefully this time I'll have sharper blades though).

--HK_Newbie

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Thanks to Jane's incredibly sexy HTML skills, the Stony Brook Aikido and Judo Club now has an "official" website. You can tell it's "official" by all the cool graphics and sick videos. The site is really just in its preliminary stages as of right now but will be updated with more soon...Newbie, you got your shodan?

-RaiNny

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Answer: Yeah, he is.

-RaiNny

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I feel a bit odd today. That's probably partly why I'm posting (and alliterating).

Usually, when I'm about to begin a tirade I have some vague topic in mind and I'll move on in a tangent from there; today is a different story. Today, I have this forward-and-onward force on the inside of my head, originating somewhere in the frontal lobe, preventing any offtopic discussion or internal confusion. Let's begin, shall we?

1. I'm about 5 inches from classic, full-on Doc-hermit mode. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's current events, but I have the feeling that my cell phone is about to make a one-way trip into the schuykill followed by my rolodex (if I had one). Now that I have a disturbingly large cache of vodka and rum secreted away in my basement room, I believe I can survive for at least two months without having ever to leave the house...so long as my internet connection doesn't sputter out. (Forgive the bit of self-pity in the preceding paragraph. The more I learn about people I thought I knew, the more I want to just stay at the bar and not really learn about people AT ALL. It's better to just stay drinking pals/acquaintances/one night stands. Don't you agree?)

2. Bored and home again. It's about the same as I remember and as fun as it's ever been. I have found one saving grace these past couple of days: You Have Question, Ninja have Answer. I honestly wish I had come up with this exact same idea (with the same theme song. Trust me, to hear it is to love it.) But I didn't, so shut up and appreciate it anyway.

3. My Review of "Final Destination 3: People Die and we like it"


If anything can possibly satisfy my great thirst for seeing pretty people die in complicated, rube goldbergian ways, it is this one stunning accomplishment of modern filmmaking (I spent 15 minutes removing, adding, and removing the second "m" from filmmaking, until I finally decided that it should be spelled with two "m's". If anyone disagrees, they can go fuck themselves bloody).
"Final Destination 3: Massive Bloodloss" is the "Casablanca" of forcible limb detachment, the "Gone With The Wind" of chest-sucking puncture wounds, the "Wizard of Oz" of flesh-burning delight (you'll know what i'm talking about when you see that particular scene). In other words, this movie does well what it was design to do: show people what we already knew--at our core, we are nothing but mindless mobbs appeased by bread, circuses, and well-coreographed violence (afterall, what's the point if it isn't stylized to the point where it's almost completely desensitized to the audience?). I give it 5 monkeys dressed in business suits out of 5.

--HK_Newbie

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this video is kind of long (15 minutes) but if you have 15 minutes, invest it in this waste of time:

asian fever!

i thought gking might get a kick out of it at least.

--calamityJane

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After receiving such a positive response to my first "Guide" I have decided to yet again grace your filthy presences with my unequalled literary genius. But while my first guide dealt with the rather limited range of a collegiate dormitory experience, my newest addition will have a much larger scope in mind.

We all know how to deal with the inane gibberings of the average person. Their conversations usually being limited to what club they're going to this weekend and complaining about how hard Chemistry 100 is even though it's the third time they're taking it, they have no reason to talk to us as long as we don't bother them. But being the rather sexy and awesome specimens that we are (by "we" I mean "me" and not the rest of you, especially Newbie and Salvagebar) we are particularly vulnerable to the very lowest dredges of society. It is a disease we have affectionately dubbed as "crazy person flypaper disease". We've all felt its effects before. It occurs quickly and without warning. You can be anywhere. On the street, in a movie theater, the mall, or a classroom. No structure can provide adequate sanctuary from these people. The onset and symptoms are more standardized however. With even the slightest of recognition (or sometimes even none at all) they will strike. Often just making passing eye contact is enough to signal that quiet whisper in your cerebrum. "Fuck" you say in your head. You know at that moment, this is going to suck. And without a moment to spare, they're upon you.

Unfortunately, I have not yet found an easy cure-all for the disorder we are afflicted with. Instead I have done my best to catalogue the findings I have made concerning the various species we have encountered. Perhaps those that follow us can make good use of my research and provide future generations with a vaccine to this crippling infection.

Utilizing the incredible powers of my Compaq Presario's 700MHz Celeron processor with 8Mbs of integrated video memory, that I got out of NASA's dumpster, I have created a couple of algorithms to compute. The first is the probability of whether or not the person will become a "cat person" in their old age, and begin hoarding mangy felines until their home becomes so overtaken with poop and/or rabies that we get to see them on one of those "Animal Cops" shows and the guy in the episode is all like "That's probably the worst thing I've seen in 12 years on the job." and the person is like "Wahhhh, don't take my babies!!!" and I'm all like "I could really go for a cheese sandwich right about now." Secondly, I have always wondered what O-Sensei would do if he were locked in a room with one of these specimens. Would he totally rethink his ideas on a world harmony? Or would he simply laugh and shrug off all the crazy? Well now we can find out!

The Hippy:

The Hippy can be easily identified by his retarded sense of style in which nearly everything he owns has some sort of frayed end on it or looks like something you'd buy at an Indian casino gift shop. Lots of times they can also be seen carrying one of those incredibly existential long boards, because suddenly it's easier to carry a wooden object the size of the bearer into every classroom, rather than walk 1/15 of a mile. Oh yeah, and sandals or flip flops are a must. Socially, they are usually at their worst when they think that they might have even the smallest shred of a common interest with you. You should probably never wear anything that bears the slightest sense of "free thought". Like Tool shirts, these are very bad and could get you into a lot of trouble. In fact, you should probably stop listening to music all together because hippies love music and will consistently badger you about shitty bands they like and concerts they've been to. If you find yourself in an unavoidable encounter with a hippy you should probably mention as quickly as possible that you "don't really like music". This will probably confuse and frighten him so much that he'll probably leave you alone from then on.

Probability of becoming a cat person: Low, as owning pets is a crime against the Earth.

WWOD: Change the name of irimi nage (entering throw) to hippy gaeshi (hippy counter).

The Otaku:

Unfortunately for us, the Otakus share a very strong common interest with the cohorts of the 4MR. Namely, in our affinity for the Japanese culture. Though where our fondness is only for awesome stuff (martial arts, Beat Takeshi and Akira Kurosawa, crying virgins, sake, and non-shitty anime). The Otaku loves everything BUT the cool stuff. In particular, they will only watch the most inexplicably retarded programs where the only plotline seems to be "We're ninjas in the woods, let's fight!" Their appearance can vary from "skinny with a stupid hat" all the way to "fat with a stupid hat". Recently though, the Indiana Jones style accessory that is so popular among them has begun to lose favor to the "Naruto Headband". I actually had the misfortune of an Otaku showing up to one of my Aikido classes with one of these on. I was instantly pissed and almost destroyed him immediately.

Probability of becoming a cat person: Variable depending on obesity level.

WWOD: Lie and say he's Micronesian.

The Nerd-Fag:

An acquaintance of mine wrote the first synopsis on Nerd-Fag behavior. He described them as the type of person that "...after a teacher says "See you tomorrow class." on a Friday afternoon would raise his hand and proclaim "Don't you mean Monday!" and grin with satisfaction of his own wit..." Additionally, the Nerd-Fag is the same person who goes out of his way to argue with the Professor every chance they get. It's not enough that he's paying thousands of dollars to learn, he also wants to teach the class apparently. They are not strictly limited to their own sub-class however. Elements of the Nerd-Fag can be found in every genre of study. One particular species I have much interaction with is that of the Scientific Nerd-Fag. This variety often takes immense pride in their own genius. Sometimes going so far as arguing with the great postulates of Newton and Einstein. Apparently thousands of scientists missed something this guy figured out five minutes into the lecture. Once I even witnessed one derive his own equation of the universe! The professor simply stated "No, you can't do that. That's wrong." and told him to sit down. It was one of the most glorious moments of my life and I think about it almost every day.

Probability of becoming a cat person: Medium. Depends on whether or not they meet another Nerd-Fag willing to marry them.

WWOD: Talk with them for a few minutes before blinking out of existence after they disprove the second law of thermodynamics (again).

Mara Linda Yu:

This is the most heinous of all social cretins. Luckily, there is only one Mara Linda Yu in existence at a time, much like the great Tarrasque. Similarly, her terror knows no bounds. Unfortunately for myself, Calamity, and Kosta, she happens to inhabit the same environment we do and are constantly in fear for our very lives. Her presence is so overwhelmingly obnoxious that I've actually witnessed Nerd-Fags running from her screaming "No, please leave me alone!" Her exploits include but are not limited to: singing loudly in public, screaming in the library because the printer doesn't work, throwing a nazi salute in the middle of the cafeteria while proclaiming "Asians are the master race!", and telling everyone her life story...everytime you meet her. If you have the misfortune of actually having to interact with the vile beast consider your life to be forever changed for the worse. You will spend the rest of your days in fear because there is absolutely nothing you can do to defend yourself from the mightiest of social scourges.

Probability of becoming a cat person: High. Pity the cats.

WWOD: Self-immolate.

-RaiNny

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