Apparently "International Antagonize Newbie Day" started around 12:01 this very fine morning in Finnigan's wake and continued in a strange series of events involving no less than 5 individuals scattered from Philadelphia to New Jersey. Shall I relate?
Yes. I shall.
Starting at the bar, I watched as a comrade of mine was cruelly bitten by Hagar the Horrible's wife...I forget the bitch's name, but rest assured, it was indeed her.
I was observing this, as I usually do, from my familiar perspective holding up my side of the bar. Then Hagar's wife came over to me, shouted in ancient Nordic, pointed at my
Shaun of the Dead t-shirt, and sucker punched me in the face. I did not enjoy this, neither did the bouncer standing nearby, but everyone else seemed amused (they were aware of "International Antagonize Newbie Day") so the punch to the face was laughed off as one of those "cute" things drunken women do. In my humble opinion, it was not one of those things. Flashing me from the elevator--THAT is one of those cute things that drunk chicks do (and did. It was part of some Antagonize Newbie technique that didn't so much antagonize me, as it did please me highly). Take some lessons from your friends Helga: flash more, punch less.
Actually, no. I think I'd rather be punched.
It's 12:35 sunday morning. I'm wasted. I don't even remember the name of the bar we went to, but there was jager a plenty. I'll post more once i've recovered. 'night all!
As some of you might already know, I am a loser. Not just any sort of run-of-the-mill loser-- living in his parent's basement (moved out), virginity-intact (gone, never coming back), terrified-of-women (only certain one's. The one's that show interest in me), hoarding ton's of porn on his hard drive (I delete it as soon as I..finish...with it)---no, I am totally unique in my particular flavor of geekliness. I call it
Hermitoperfectionitus. Unfortunately, it shares ancillary symptoms with many other sorts of anti-social maladies. Namely, I find shit like the following funny:
--hk_newbie
(found alot of them
here)
There's some more Photoshop shenanigans going on over at
Bullshido.net. This time it's an "Advice From Helio's Floating Head" thread. Here's my contribution. Where are your's you noobs?!?
-RaiNny
So, I was walking down Girard last night (refreshing myself in the moonlight after a few pints of beer and cough syrup), just minding my own business when I was invited to come to a prom gathering by an old man with an open 40 in a paper bag and dreadlocks that seemed to move of their own volition. I believe he said something along the lines of "That way Lies the prom! Abandon all hope, mon!"
Seeing as how I never had the opportunity to go to my own prom at my old high-school (if I remember correctly, it had something to do with me being "a potentially dangerous psycho" which is total BS by my reckoning. I'm more of a sociopath than a psychotic.) I figured i'd take up the Virgil/Bob Marley amalgamation on his offer of living the missed days of my youth. What harm could it do? How much fun could I have in one night? Was I supposed to pick up my dry-cleaning today after four or tomorrow?
Sweet Buddha's Balls, what in the hell was I thinking?
I entered the gymnasium where the prom was being held and was greeted by the first of many, many, many AWESOME horrors.
I'm not being the least bit facetious; this lady tried to cut my head off with a scimatar. She was actually quite good with it too. Fortunately, all I had to do was shout "gomen!", throw a smoke bomb at her feet, and use invisibility-no-justsu to avoid her and further journey into a prom like no other.
A ghetto FABULOUS prom. With superheros, gansters (or ganstas, depending on where you stand), and the fatter, blacker version of the guy who played the Juggernaut in X3.
I soon found that INSIDE the gymnasium, despite its lack of scimitar weilding babes who want to separate my head from the rest of myself (there's actually quite of few of these ladies in the Philadelphia area. For some strange reason, they all want me dead. They must know me better than most), is FAR worse than outside the gymnasium. This cute couple glared at me menacingly for 5 minutes before merging into one and attempting to roll me over. I dodged their attack easily. The crowd of helpless nuns and crippled people behind me, however, did not...
Kind of like a kid trapped in some wonderful side-show full of crack-addicted freak killers, I wandered aimlessly, dodging bullets, knives, and other forms of weaponry in search of the Prom queen. Unfortunately for me, I found her.
At first I thought there was an earthquake or the building's structural integrity had somehow been compromised. Nope. It was just the prom queen taking her first ponderous dance steps of the evening. And there was NO ESCAPE. No matter where I stood in the gymnasium, there she was: RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF ME-- breathing heavily, lifting elephantine legs and stomping them on the ground, crushing friend and foe alike. Never have I been so terrified in my entire life. I've fought hundred-armed krakens, defeated countless scores of invading zombie hordes. Hell, I've even hugged The Consultant and wasn't pierced by his perfectly chisled pectoral muscles. But I knew I was no match for THE PROM QUEEN. Luckily for me, I quickly spied an escape route.
I grabbed her hand, pledged my undying love, and together we soared through the roof toward freedom. Leaving behind certain crushing cellulite death.
Hella-hot Helicopter girl, where have you been my entire life? Our marraige date is scheduled for the next planetary alignment, on Oni peak, overlooking the sea of chaos. Everyone is invited. The bar will be open and the food will be plentiful.
--HK_Newbie
