Perhaps. Let's see whether you fit the profile. While traveling by air, did you / were you:
--Arrive late at night?Each of those details was upheld, in federal court, as partial justification to detain someone at an airport. Each constituted, at least after the fact, part of "the profile."
--Arrive early in the morning?
--One of first to deplane?
--One of last to deplane?
--Deplane in the middle?
--Use a one-way ticket?
--Use a round-trip ticket?
--Carry brand-new luggage?
--Carry a small gym bag?
--Travel alone?
--Travel with a companion?
--Act too nervous?
--Act too calm?
--Wear expensive clothing and gold jewelry?
--Wear black corduroys, white pullover shirt, loafers without socks?
--Wear dark slacks, work shirt, and hat?
--Wear brown leather aviator jacket, gold chain, hair down to shoulders?
--Wear loose-fitting sweatshirt and denim jacket?
--Walk rapidly through airport?
--Walk aimlessly through airport?
--Fly in to Washington National Airport on the LaGuardia Shuttle?
--Have a white handkerchief in your hand?
Lately, I've been back to flying back and forth across the continental US (and soon, to some Eastern European and Eurasian countries) and each time, without fail, I've been pulled aside as a "person of interest" to be inspected by the unskilled douchebags who think running their hands alongside my inner thighs somehow help them in determining the difference between a terrorist and some pissed-off kid who's about to give them a New Balance suppository. Now that I see the guidelines these people are working with, I know exactly how to prove my non-terrorist nature. Stay with me here...
Newbie's Tips On Not Being Labeled a Potential Terrorist/Drug-Runner:
--Arrive late at night?
--Arrive early in the morning?
1. Arrive mid-afternoon, no matter when your flight is actually scheduled to depart. Everyone knows terrorists are Islamic and mid-afternoon is one of the five "calls to prayer" when they have to knee down and prostrate themselves in the general direction of God (who, I believe, is situated in a large stone box somewhere in Mecca (just off the red sea). Apparently, God prefers dry, hotter-than-hell climes to host his earthly presence.)
--One of first to deplane?
--One of last to deplane?
--Deplane in the middle?
2. Physically interject yourself into random sections of the boarding and exit lines. If you have to take down a grandma in her walker and an Air Marshal during the course of your line-oscillations, so be it.
--Use a one-way ticket?
--Use a round-trip ticket?
3. The ticketing problem is somewhat difficult to convince the powers that be that you are NOT a terrorist, because they look for both one-way and round-trip tickets and, as far as I know, there are no "one-full-way, and-a-half-trip-back" ticket options. Probably the best thing to do is to cry uncontrollably when they look at your ticket once you queue up. Terrorists are very much like Chuck Norris: their tears can cure cancer, but neither of them EVER CRY.
--Carry brand-new luggage?
--Carry a small gym bag?
4. Try fed-exing all your luggage, and only bring a book as a carry on. I would not recommend bringing the Koran. Try something like Ann Coulture's "100 and 1 ways to cook a minority baby" (The NYT review of books gives it "two terrifying thumbs up!").
--Travel alone?
--Travel with a companion?
5. You're fucked whether you travel alone or with a companion, so I'd settle for a happy medium: Get a hooker! (This is kinda my default answer for every problem in life, but it actually kinda works here) Make sure everyone knows you have solicited the prostitute just for the ride, and your relationship is purely sexual/business in nature. Terrorists don't solicit prostitutes, that would be diametrically opposed to their ultra-conservative, sexually repressive moral landscape (rape, on the other hand...) and drug runners get them for free (or at least on the barter system).
--Act too nervous?
--Act too calm?
6. Ah, the nervous and calm profiling technique. Likely, the TSA observers would base these perceptions purely on identifying facial tics, so I recommend the old "Turret's Syndrome" approach. Squish up your face every few seconds into a different expression, running the gamut between "my dog just died" and "I'm coming in your face right now". Try throwing in a few odd-sounding grunts for realism. Let them just try to figure out whether you're nervous or calm now! And is there a "good" nervous, that's just nervous enough? Kind of like a "fear-of-god" nervous, except it's a "fear-of-TSA". These guys just love being objects of terror. Pot, meet kettle.
--Wear expensive clothing and gold jewelry?
--Wear black corduroys, white pullover shirt, loafers without socks?
--Wear dark slacks, work shirt, and hat?
--Wear brown leather aviator jacket, gold chain, hair down to shoulders?
--Wear loose-fitting sweatshirt and denim jacket?
7. Terrorists/Drug-Mules are notorious for their out-of-the-norm clothing choices. Whether it be a well-dressed Libyan drug-runner with gold chain around his neck and (gasp) hair down to his shoulders, or a mountain-dwelling Afghani jihadist unused to modern fashion (hence the loafers without socks), they have a wide range of possible attire selections. In light of these restrictions, and possible misinterpretations of whatever the fuck you throw on, the best outfit to wear is what i like to call "the naked bag suit."
--Walk rapidly through airport?
--Walk aimlessly through airport?
8. Instead of walking aimlessly or rapidly through the airport, one should walk very slowly (think sloth-speed and cut that in half) and with purpose. That is, if you need to use the facilities, walk very slowly toward the closest bathroom while announcing (with a smile, of course) "I need to pee. I need to pee." This way, there can be no confusions about your intentions.
--Fly in to Washington National Airport on the LaGuardia Shuttle?
9. Well, I just wouldn't recommend doing this in the first place.
Who the fuck flies out of Queens other than drug-runners and terrorists? Answer: Calamity Jane.
--Have a white handkerchief in your hand?
10. I have no idea where this came from, and am quite honestly boggled. Unless there's a very effeminate terrorist organization or drug cartel that uses a white handkerchief as their calling card, I'd just suggest staying away from the whole handkerchief business to begin with. (On a side note, who the hell uses handkerchiefs anymore? The only guys who should have handkerchiefs must also wear a fedora, carry a .38 detective's special S&W, and solve crimes in half-hour intervals).
--HK_Newbie
P.S. Congrats to Natedawg on the C.P.A. If i had enough assets or the initiative to warrant doing my taxes, I'd ask him to do them for me.
