Oooookaaay. So what was supposed to be a weeklong trip to the desert where I spent the past 8 months has turned into a rather long extended stay with my departure date slipping each time it approaches. Also, free time is at a premium it seems.

The reason, you ask? check this out.
And that's about all I have to say concerning that.

When I'm NOT crawling through smoldering trailer wreckage out here, I'm reading books about Kung-Fu high schools, playing my kick-ass Nintendo DS, sleeping, or drinking at the hotel bar and talking to various travelers who get to leave New Mexico before I do, and for that I HATE THEM. ::sigh:: This whole scenario is strangely familiar to me.

So guess what I did?

....
......
.......
No guesses? Okay! I created a MYSPACE page! That's right! The most horrible collection of fucking idiot teenagers and gansta-wannabe's ever seen on the face of the internets, and I go and create a profile. I do admit that a few of my friends do have myspace pages as well (they fall into the exempted category, everyone else is either an idiot teenager or a gansta wannabe); but I always vehemently rebelled against this inexplicable desire to make one's personal info. so easily accesible to pretty much anyone with a computer, keyboard, and spasming cerebral matter (i.e. a teenager or ganster).

So, without further ado, here is my totally amazing myspace page. Enjoy assholes!
clicky clicky.

--HK_Newbie

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In lieu of a new, original post (which will come soon!), here's a throwback to the good old golden days of my livejournal. This is probably the number 1 best and only worthwhile entry of my entire livejournal career.

i'm having shitty days.
i've been taking a shit almost every day now. it feels good to be regular again.

this is really good shit. just really good. and "shit" finally refers to actual fecal matter. haha. not that devil-weed and not the dragon. just real poopie.

i know it's weird to be happy about it. but i don't know. when i'm shitting right, i start to feel better. like when i first became vegetarian and started having those clean shits on a regular basis...oh man. i don't think i ever told anyone how excited i was.

i'm regular. and there's nothing like feeling really healthy. this is way better than when i wasn't shitting for weeks at a time. god, those days were terrible.

sometimes, i even feel the urgent NEED to shit. and the shit that comes out isn't weird...you know, like gross and soft and extremely smelly. usually i associate urgency with really bad shit (eg diarreah) which i don't think i've had in a really long time...i mean, my shit is just so consistent and not even that foul smelling (but hey, i know my shit stinks). and when i wipe, it's clean!

you can tell a lot by how much your shit stinks.

anyway, i'm supposed to be in class or something like that. but i think i'm going to shit first. ah. have a good day.

(01/30/2006- My days have not been shitty, unfortunately. =T )

--calamityJANE

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Alright, before someone posts yet another video of seemingly cloned, possibly attractive Japanese chicks singing a catchy tune with a reeeeeaaaaally ugly wrester guy (who consists of about 90% flab and 10% crotch); I'd like to ask some questions that have been plaguing me for quite some time and I feel it's best to just air them out in a public forum so people more wise than myself (i.e. EVERYONE) could answer them for me.

My first question, suprisingly enough (Sarcasm!), is about alcohol. Does it clean your teeth for you? Is there some abrasive, germ killing ability in booze of all sorts that whitens AS it strengthens? I've noticed, as of late, that my teeth seem to be in their best health ever. I'm pretty sure that it's not due to any change in my hygenic schedule. Hell, nowadays when I come home at night (or, more usually, my hotel room) and i'm so wasted I'd probably accidently stab myself in the brain with the toothbrush in a ham-handed attempt at brushing my teeth (actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea) so I just go straight to bed and postpone the brushing for the morning. The thing is, when I smile at myself the next morning in the mirror as I do my daily affirmations ("Newbie, you are a god among men. Newbie, you ARE worth it. Newbie, setting people on fire is wrong!") I'm practically blinded by the reflection of the bathroom light on my teeth. Just a thought folks....




My second question is about women. Why are they so insane? What makes them this way? I'm not gonna say anything specific, because once I start, I doubt I'll be able to stop. But let me explicate my reasoning for believing they (all women) are completely bonkers and why we (guys) purchase drinks for them at the local watering hole and do other things that serve only to minimize and manage their severe mental damage. 1. They say one thing (like, "I'll see you at such and such a place at such and such a time") when they really mean ("I hope I never see you again, because if I do, I'll bust a nine in your dome"). That's called lying ladies, and it's wrong. Can you say "lying?" And roughly 100 percent of everything they say falls under that "BIG FUCKING LIE" category. Thank god for the gift of multiple rum and cokes, which encourages one of two possibilities: 1) Lying so ridiculous it couldn't possibly be mistaken for the truth, or 2)::GASP:: the TRUTH!
Additionally, they can't drive. And no amount of booze will fix that. Honestly, there's gotta be something wrong in those cute craniums of theirs, and I wish someone would come up with a quick patch and release it already.

I have some other queries for your perusal and contemplation, but I think I'll stop here and let someone answer these two cunundrums before I post any more. Thanks!

--HK_Newbie

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--salvagebar

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People of mixed racial parentage are more attractive.

In the first study of its kind, Caucasians and Asians rated average Eurasian faces as more attractive than average faces of either race.

--salvagebar

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Hello, my name is Masayuki Miosaka, and I would like to be your new Super Fun-Time Emperor of Happiness and Law. Together, I believe we can build a golden bridge of milk and honey to the land of our ancestors and beyond, even to the Moon should the weather permit the bearing of our fruit.

For too long the people of this delicious country have allowed the corrupt and inflammable politicians to break their backs with the burden of lies and half-truths. Now I have come to you to lead you to great bear penis fortunes. These super treasures having been forged by the light of our people's blistering spinal columns and delivered to us by us and you!

I know that there are powerful, blood-filled warriors among you ready to ride into the deepest of voting brothels to destroy our enemies. And all I require of you is your undying allegiance and ten bushels of rice each. I assure you that your happiness will be resumed upon your bodily decay should you meet a glorious cherry blossom death with our enemies.

Our opponents have often lain roads of questions about our policies. They criticize us for our tough Anti-Ninja reform and seemingly bottomless ocean of nurse and schoolgirl tentacle rape scandals. They prosper on the faults of our failed treaties with Godzilla and Mothra. Our inability to keep the incessant mech-battles and Pokemon duels off the streets of our joyous capital only serve as wind-traveled fuel to the dragon of their blackened hearts. But now is not the time to concentrate on the spoiled milk travels. Let us remember how we have rebuilt Tokyo from cinder no less than 74 times this year. We are strong and persevere over all odds big or full of vomit. Let us recall Beat Takeshi, Sonny Chiba, Akira Kurosawa, The Sega Dreamcast, and heaven splitting swords. These are our powers of crushing sagas. This is who we are, not who we aren't or won't not become should we fail or succeed!

I have witnessed this prosperity among us all. We have flowered strongly and bloodthirstily into awesome shelters of hope! So sharpen your stomach slashing blades, strap on your finest straw hat, and pack a box-lunch for we march on the barbarian capital in 2008, the year of the sweating dog! Bukkakemasu!!!



-RaiNny

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It started out like any other weekend.

Rainny and Calamity Jane HALO jumped onto the roof of my house from a high-altitude jet they spent all the previous weekend building with the ITS group at their college, climbed in through my brother's open bedroom window, shot him in the head because he was rude and didn't offer to take their coats (thanks guys, more storage space!), and went down into my basement in a futile attempt to assasinate me and take control of the 4MR. Needless to say, their pathetic tries were amusing, but I kicked both their asses in short order, and together we went to pick up gking from his place of business: the King of Prussia "Arena of Doom!"

The KOP Arena was, as usual, bustling with the typical blood-thirsty activity of people going out of their way to watch fatal gladiatorial-style battles between skilled fighters. Gking, AKA "The Mean Machine", was on a streak of 30 kills in a row, when someone complained that he wasn't cheerful enough as he ripped the still-beating heart from his latest victim. The Arena managers subsequently comp'd the complainer's ticket price and beer and sent Gking home for the evening with a warning to be more outwardly cheerful in his demeanor as he utterly destroys his opponents--- thus ending his killing streak, which was just 2 points away from being a "M-M-M-MASSACRE!!!"


With the 4MR finally complete, we went out to our stomping grounds in ChinaTown and OldCity in Philly, where we "stomped" the punks who thought our prolonged absence indicated some sort of weakness in our collective strength. Gking cracked some skulls while laughing maniacally and quoting crappy anime movies, Rainny strangled people with his snake-like hair and crushed everything that brings joy and wonderment to the eyes of children (footballs, soccerballs, videogame systems, park equipment, etc.) in a furious display of jealous rage because he never had ANYTHING fun as a kid, and Calamity Jane shot up a bunch of inanimate objects that exploded everytime she hit them...I don't know when the city of Philadelphia started filling its trash cans with gasoline, but let me say, it is quite an impressive sight. I just kinda stood there and looked around in an apathatic, blase, and totally BAD-ASS manner---surveying the damage and nodding when something my minions did met with my pleasure.

















After the riots subsidded, we went to a karaoke bar in west west philly, by 69th street, drank much vodka, and sang. I was righteous in my singing, everyone else was merely so-so. During one moment of perfect synchronicity between rainny and myself, as we were singing "That's the way (uh-huh) I like it" we linked arms and rained doom down upon the unprotected heads of our enemies. I believe it was this linking of arms that also caused Calamity Jane to break down into hysterical convulsions of laughter (or was that after the bottle of sake we had later at my place?).










We did other things too, but to recount everything we did would take more time than i'm willing to type, and far more time than you're willing to read, oh you semi-literate cretins. Let's just say that one of the peak moments of our weekend occured when i used the phrase "stupid monkey ritual" and Gking almost accidently shot himself.




I'll leave you with one last photo; a photo that sums up the essentiallity of our past, present, and future 4MR weekends:


THIS PHOTO HAS BEEN REMOVED B/C IT IS TOO SCARY FOR WORDS


--HK_Newbie

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I got the idea this morning to write a satirical news piece with as many bad political jokes and/or stereotypes in it as possible. What follows may be the most ridiculous thing I've ever written.

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - "Like the empires of Charlemagne and Bismarck, America will be a force to be reckoned with!" an ecstatic George W. Bush announced on the lawn of the White House Tuesday at his last Presidential Press Conference. "From this day on, I will be known as Fuhrer of the Fourth Reich. We will have the military might of Nazi Germany...up until the whole Russia thing!" he declared. Dick Cheney was also present at the press conference, showing off the newly-engraved swastika on his forehead.

Despite the Nazi imagery on the Vice Fuhrer's forehead, there was no word yet as to the racial ideology of the new government, although the new Fuhrer himself seems to favor slow, dim-witted, God-fearing southerners and former members of the Texas Rangers baseball team.

Meanwhile, the Communist wing of the Democratic Party was alarmed, with General Secretary Howard Dean fleeing to the liberal wasteland of Canada to rouse support. "We're gonna go to Moscow, and we're gonna go to Beijing, and we're gonna go to Havana!" he screamed to a crowd of three cows and an old British Columbian farmer named Ed. "The proletariat will not be silenced!"

Those who did not flee the United States, like noted red rabble-rouser John Kerry, urged calm - we think - with this confusing statement. "I urge all Americans to remain calm and let the Democratic process take its course, but be vigilant and fight against what is going on in Washington. Oh, and make sure to have plenty of gay sex!". He then boarded a plane to Paris to meet with fellow America-hater, French leader Jacques Chirac. The French President himself was unavailable for comment as of press time, as he was reportedly involved in a snail-eating contest. However, rumors abounded that he was working on a surrender speech in the event of a future Franco-American war.

"Those Communists who remain in the United States do so at great risk" a statement from the FBI read. "Their Un-American actions will not be tolerated and they will be punished severely". The ominous statement from the agency coincided with the mysterious dissapearances of Communist sympathizers like Jane Fonda and the Dixie Chicks, to the sheer delight of many. Michael Moore was still a free man at press time, reportedly due to pressure from several major fast-food chains.

In response to these events, the Russian Federation put its nuclear arsenal on high alert, or at least "whatever hasn't been lost or sold on the black market", one Russian observer noted. More global reaction is expected shortly.

- Kosta

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2nd post in as many days? I'm on a roll assholes, get used to it.

King Kong. What can i say about this film?

First of all, as i'm sure all of you are already aware, it is horrible. It is horrible in a way that only big budget films with tons of hype and overpaid actors and actresses can be horrible: it actually makes you feel sick after watching it.

There is no contemplation of what you've just seen afterwards; there is no discernible feeling of joy or sadness or any other heightened emotional state; there is just a cherry-pit sized rock of disgust waiting to be expelled from your gut and thrown at 1) yourself, for paying and actually sitting there for 3 hours which could have been better spent practicing forms of self-mutilation or slow suicide and, 2) the rest of the world, for allowing such excess to be produced and embraced in the first place.

I've said it once, and i'll say it again: people should not be allowed the gift of free will-- they make too many fucking stupid decisions.

When i'm overlord of the universe, all decisions, from "what am i going to eat for breakfast" to "should i cut the red wire or the blue wire", will be filtered through me and my specially trained collective of massively parallel processing human logic gates before ANY decisions are made. In any case, back to the movie.

The dude with the big nose, the chick with the blonde hair who reminds me of a flesh eating ghoul, and the new god among comedians, JACK BLACK, all manage to speak and move around on screen without actually conveying any emotion or importance to their words or actions. Bravo! I hope you all accidently swallow your acadamy awards and die! Alone! And Naked! Collapsed in a fetid puddle of your own shit and urine!

Then there's the token angst ridden kid determined to prove himself and the older, wiser black man who wants to show this young buck the right way to live his life through constant, ostentatious attempts at sounding like a talking fortune cookie whenever he's given more than 2 minutes of screen time. Here's an example:

JIMMY: Let me at him, Toby! I can beat that dinosaur! I can do it!

TOBY: Jimmy! ::Toby rests a calming hand on Jimmy's shoulder and slowly massages his neck and shoulder:: Sometimes, a man has to know when he cannot or should not fight a 20-ton dinosaur. Like that dinosaur right there ::Toby points off into the distance at one feasting on the innards of one of their shipmates:: you should not confront that dinosaur because it is just living its life the only way it knows how. As a man, Jimmy, we must respect that and emulate it in our own way. ::Toby kisses Jimmy on the cheek, and nibbles on his earlobe::

JIMMY: ::Jimmy lowers his rifle, and sighs. Digesting this ancient wisdom.:: Thanks Toby, you always know the right things to do. I hope you don't die in some painfully drawn out, subtely homoerotic battle sequence (replete with cheesy "death scene" music) thus finally showing me what it is to be a man.

TOBY: Me too, Jimmy. Me too.


It's quite amazing when you think about it, really. 3 hours long, and it might as well have been a silent movie. Maybe my ears wouldn't have been bleeding profusely when i left the theatre.

There was a few moments of saving grace. The T-Rex fight scene was admittedly awesome, Jack Black had a few moments of amusing dialogue, and there was a tongue-in-cheek mention of one of Peter Jackson's old (read: good) movies on one of the cages in the steamer ship's hold (anyone else notice the sign reading "Sumerian Rat Monkey"?)


Gking's porno version is probably better: King Thong and the sequel, King Dong. Which brings me to my next point, a worthwhile movie, with ::gasp of delight:: FRENCH LESBIANS!!!

HIGH TENSION:
Yes, this movie is a work of art. I cannot even begin to describe the levels of almost orgasmic delight each masterfully crafted scene brings. Lets just look at the picture of the bad-ass chick with the circular saw and extrapolate from there.

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Done extrapolating? Good! Now go: rent, buy, download! Do whatever you must do in order to watch this movie.

--HK_Newbie

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